Waiting for Red

The original title was going to be 'A New Kind of Slavery'.  

Waiting for Red - no, not waiting for me.  I'm talking about a good ol' fashioned red light and technology.

I just got a new Incredible; the iPhone equivalent on Verizon.  It was free, so I thought, "Why not?" 

(sigh)  When did the day come that I started hoping for a red light so that I could check my phone?  Send a text?  Dial a number?  (of course, I guess I could just do all of that while I'm driving like I see so many other lane-swervers do!  BUT that is another blog entirely!!)

What has this day and age come to?  I'm at the park playing a game on my phone, while my girls enjoy playing with their friends.  I hear the 'ding' and OH!!  Who could it be?!  I'm just SO important and SO well loved - HA!

I check e-mail several times a day and now even more so with this phone.

Text messages, because calling and hearing a voice just...I mean, really takes too much time.

Don't get me wrong - the convenience of these things (texting, e-mails, etc.) each have their place.  But it has replaced basic relational practices. 

(sigh)  I'm as guilty as the next person.  I remember a few months ago I actually put on my signature that I would only be checking my e-mail ONCE A DAY.  This did not go over well with some; others caught on and actually called me.  Weird, I know.

I acknowledge that I am becoming 'one of those people' - distracted, so-NOT-in-the moment. 

I have got to self-intervene. 

I must be proactive. 

I certainly won't tolerate this behavior from my girls when the day comes that they afford their own phone.  Why would I...I do I tolerate from myself??

I will be 'unplugging' (to some degree) for a spell.  (Great - and just after I get this fancy phone!  Timing - I tell ya!) 

I would LOVE to actually TALK to some of you.  But talking - well, it's reached a type of awkwardness, yes?  Isn't easier to type it in an e-mail / text / Face Book post? 

Who's with me?  Anyone? 

(sigh)  I guess I'll know by how many people call me.

Here's to gaining balance -

Eyes on Him
MAMA FOX

I Called In Sad

It was Wednesday.

I could NOT get my act together.

Imagine walking up stairs and you miss that step and slip.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Not exactly tripping, but the toes hit and you shoot your hip into your lower back.

That's what I had felt all morning while getting ready.  Staring at my frizzy, non-straightened hair after my shower, barely any make-up because I could not get the movitvation to face the day (HA!  Get it?  'Face?' the day...make-up...?  <sigh> I know, I know). 

I have had down days, but this particular day just crept over me like a dense fog.  Physically having trouble moving, thinking...fog-ish, ya know?

I droppped the girls off at school then sat there in the parking lot crying.  I called my sweet, understanding 'boss' (she hates that term, but hey - she can be bossy.  I know - because I am bossy!!  :-D )  I digress...

In sobs, I explained that I just couldn't...I just couldn't come in.  Was it Jordan?  Was it just the blues?  Was it the fact that I'd been coughing my head off for the past week?  Probably all of the above.  I was given the blessing to take care of myself.  So I did.

By God's grace and nudging I had managed to get dressed in my workout clothes (it was to be PE day at school).  I went straight to Legacy Park and walked.  I swear that God just created the best possible morning just for me to commune with him and be amongst His creativity.

I just walked.  I looked into the eyes of strangers, wondering, "What is their story?  Are they hurting?  Are they sad?  Are they happy?"  Women jogging together, dog owners out with their dogs - it was so peaceful.

I went home and took a nap.

Then I got up and rode my pink bike with basket to Starbucks.  I journaled to my girls.

I rode home, tidied up the back porch...hmmm...something significant there.  Took another nap.

What I loved about my day is that no one knew where I was or what I was doing, other than those precious women that love on me at work.  Otherwise, I was alone with me.  I 'unplugged' - no phone calls, only checked e-mail for about 15 minutes.

Picked up the girls and I was me again!

The cloud had moved out.

All because I chose to call in sad and take care of myself.

MAMA FOX
*may I say that your taking the time to read these entries and offer your encouraging words really help me in my healing journey.  i recognize that time is precious and that your taking precious time on this blog...well, it does not go unnoticed or unappreciated.  thank you.

Safety First

Please, please forgive my 'drop off the face of the earth' absence.  I really ought to just set aside a day to write, however, I really only write when so moved.  Tonight is such a night (thank you master of the obvious)  :-D <they really need emoticons on this thing!!>

Once again we had The W.A.R.M. Place (see CLICK / Sept 27 for explanation).  I will not disclose who or even what was said that led me to this insight, but suffice it to say that her words triggered this epiphany.

Grief is a funny thing - certainly not 'ha-ha' funny, but a strange process.  While I listened to my friend, it occurs to me that on of my 'jobs' as a mom is to keep my children safe.  As a mother, our instinct is to protect.  Relocate the child when they face certain peril.  Shout, "Be careful!" as they dash out the door or any other variety of last minute bits of advice.  My favorite, "Engage your brain and focus!" (but that is another post).

It occured to me tonight that I was unable to keep Jordan safe.  I was not capable of protecting her or kissing her boo-boo's to make them 'all better.'  (gasp) Nor can I keep Sydney or Madelaine safe - and I'll just bet that they have figured that out.  They face the harsh reality, at a young age, that I am not the end all and be all of their safety.  Yes, I will do all that I can to keep them out of harm's way, but they have had their young eyes opened to a rude awakening, an awakening far sooner than I ever was exposed. 

What must it be like for them to look in on all of this?  To walk through it?  My sweet, wise-beyond-their years, call-me-out daughters?  (sigh)

I wonder if deep down they sense this and this underlying knowing rocks their world - just a little bit.

I pause to thank Abba for HIS protection.  Because whether I am spared something horrible here (yeah God and a big praise) or if I am not spared and end up in heaven - there is praise too!  I can see now - on either side - I have His protection. 

As do my girls. 

As does my Jordan as she frolics and basks in our Savior's presence. 

Little stinker - I miss her. <emoticon with the hearts to indicate my love>

MAMA FOX

BEING in the Moment - A Lost Art

I have an electronic dictionary. 

I have a 'dated' cellphone.  In other words, it's not a 'smart' phone.  I just haven't wrapped my head around paying anymore than I already do on my cellphone bill.  It's a racket and I'll leave it at that.

There is nothing really earth shattering, deep or really even remotely interesting about those two bits of information.  Stay with me here...

The problem is that the only time I use my thumbs to 'type' is when I'm on my phone.  This morning, as I'm doing my quiet time, I was looking up the definitions of some words.  I looked down the first time and I had typed three L's.  Hmmm...that's weird.  Did it again.  THIRD TIME it occurs to me - OMWord - I have hit the 'L' three times BECAUSE I have to hit it 3x's to use the 'L' on in a text.  HELLO!

WHAT are we coming to in our realm of relationships?  Tell me the last time you sat through a meal, drove your car, or while watching TV that you didn't have that phone at the ready? 

Look, I'm just as guilty.  But what happened to being in the moment?  Focused on the task at hand?  Understand - I only offer these as thoughts.  I'm the LAST to stand in judgement.  This is just as much for my own contemplation as it is for yours.

May I encourage you this week to take even just ONE DAY and not be a slave to technology?  I'm not suggesting completely unplugging, but when it rings / beeps - there is no need to rush to it's demanding little noises. 

Put the phone DOWN.

LOOK into someone's eyes while they tell you something, regardless of how insignificant YOU may think it is. 

ACTIVELY listen. 

BE in the moment. 

And just WATCH what God reveals to you.  I would love to hear your story.

I think the only one allowed that multitask is God (and mom's).  Tee-hee.

Fabulous and Forgiven

MAMA FOX

Whatever Does She Mean?

The title - I Should Have Been More Specific - has a little story behind it.  It's actually just a glimpse of how my silly head works.

See - I asked a long time ago for fame and popularity.  I had envisioned the masses calling out my name, admiring me.  (sigh) In my head, it was quite fabulous.  However, while, indeed, I have the masses calling out my name they're all between the ages of 2 years old - 8 years old.  "COACH KIMBERLY" or "MISS KIMBERLY" or "MOMMY!"  Therefore, I should have been more specific.

I had thought it would be something else to be surrounded by younger men - and I was - last year.  ELEVEN boys all under 3ft tall and all 2 years old.  (sigh)  I should have been more specific. 

I wanted to be married a very long time.  I have been, but not necessarily to the same man.  Ask my Joel though, it probably FEELS like eternity.  HA!  I <will you join me?> should have been more specific.

I prayed that Jordan would come home - I meant MY home, here on the earth.  Instead, she's in her eternal home.  (sigh) I should have been more specific.

Well, you get my point. 

I hope that today you are intentional and, of course, specific.

Forgiven and Fabulous

MAMA FOX

Name with a Face

And here I am - in my 'pre-beauty' state. 

I mean really - didja think I just woke up gorgeous?!  It takes work people!  HA!! 

(ruidoso / 2010 - Girls Trip)

Funk-E-Fied

WOW - to describe it - like a grey cloud that rolls in over the sunshine, a cool breeze that catches you off guard and you wish you'd brought a sweater. 

Last night I was just in a funk!  I wish I could pinpoint why.  When I feel a little sad the first thing I do is turn to drink (KIDDING!!)!!!  What I try to do is figure out the date and think backwards - is there something significant that happened on this date?  For example, I sort of anticipate feeling 'a little something' around the 14th of each month and the 21st (both significant Jordan dates).  Well, yesterday was just plain ol' October 4th.  Nothing major...wait...it JUST hit me.  Today (the 5th) is my friend Ginnie's birthday.   Which means that for a week now I've received birthday reminders, compliments of Yahoo!  (did you really think I committed all of your birthday's to memory?  uh...no).  My sweet friend (sigh) she passed away at the beginning of this year.  That's it - it makes sense - thank you sweet Abba for bringing that to mind. 

Ginnie was responsible for the Guest Hearts that people would sign when they visited Jordan in the hospital - her whole wall was covered in them. 

This makes sense.  HOWEVER, this morning I did not know why.  Did NOT want to get out of bed - but I did.  Did NOT want to go for a walk - but I did.  Did NOT want to go to work - but I did.  I just did NOT want - period!!  But I did.  Are you tracking with me?  Anyone?  Am I the only one that ever feels this way?  Or am I the only one admitting it publicly.  It did NOT help that my girls and I just fussed at each other too (one feeling that she has the right to interrogate me over a phone call and the other that mismanaged her time and therefore did not get her ponytail in her hair).  Given all of that I pushed forward and VIOLA!!  Here I am.

That cloud passed away this morning at some point.  It was like a warm ray of sunshine that coursed over me; I actually smiled.  I was laughing and enjoying 'Rise and Shine' - the song of the week during their music portion of the day.  It just felt GOOD!  I looked into those smiling faces  and...I can't describe it.  BTW - I get to Life Coach preschoolers - 4 year olds.

What is my long winded point?  Some days you just get up and go when you just don't want to.  I basically went through all the motions this morning to get myself to work and then through the day.  God was gracious enough to hug me through smiles of my kiddo's at school.

And in honor of my sweet friend - I think of you often, I miss you.  Please, give Jordan a kiss for me.  I love you both.

Eyes On Him

Mama Fox

Who Knew?

I LOVE the Yahoo! news bytes - you know, the squares that give you 'just enough news' to seem informed?  HA!! 

One today grabbed my attention - 9 Signs That You're Happier Than You Think.  While I don't fancy myself particularly miserable, I wouldn't dub myself overly happy.  I'm just...livin', ya know?  Trying to keep peace and stay balanced.  APPARENTLY THOUGH, according to Yahoo! experts (and if it's in cyberspace it MUST be true, yes?) I have all (except one) of the indicators that I am, indeed, happy.  Understand that after each indicator, they had their own statistics and proof.  While I have noted the Yahoo! indicator, I have added my own explanation.  Here they are:

1) You were a smiley student
I'm way past the traditional definition of 'student', but I am a student of life.  I'm also a rather smiley adult.  Just call my name - and "CHEESE!"  (I also have an uncanny sense of when a camera is around).

2) You have a sister
Again, I do not have a 'traditional' type sister, but I do have SEVERAL in Christ.  That said, I have a brother.  So, I think this should be amended to 'sibling.'   While Brook and I are not considered close by definition, I can't imagine life without him and he has taught me alot (but don't tell him that, he's YOUNGER than me!!)

3) You're not glued to the TVDon't get me wrong, I enjoy a good DVR'd show as much as the next, but 'glued' to the TV...not so much.  If it's a choice between the TV and reading / writing - I choose the latter.

4) You make exercise a priorityPeople who exercise more are less likely to be stressed and more likely to be satisfied with life, according to Danish researchers...(direct quote from the article).  Now, I have certainly not made it a priority, but I have two dogs now and I walk them each morning.  I, indeed, feel better!  I, also, get to do PE with preschoolers and I am LOVING IT!!!  So, while it may have been 'put upon' me, I have welcomed it!

5) You hang out with happy peopleI'd like to consider my network of friends happy.  And, according to Yahoo!, I am a happy person, so...I guess I bring some happy to those around me AND myself...technically speaking, I'm my own best company.  HA!!

6) You stay warm with hot cocoaClutching a steaming beverage — coffee and tea also do the trick...those gripping warm mugs were more appreciative of friendliness in others and also felt more generous and trusting themselves...(end quote).  Have ya tried the Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate at your local Starbux?!?  HELLO!  YUMMY-NESS in a cup and certain happiness!

7 ) You have two best friendsI most certainly have at least two best friends!

8) You keep souvenirs on displayPeople who use mementos or photos to remind themselves of good times better appreciate their lives and are happier...(end quote).  May I add that I have souvenirs of sad times too; let me say that it does bring me memories of when those that loved us most just loved on us and prayed over us.  It's bittersweet, but souvenirs of all types and times are important, yes?

9) You have a healthy love lifeHELLO!  I love me some of my Joel!  Ladies - I'm just gonna say this - never say 'no' to your man (within reason, OK?  not because you 'just don't feel like it).  I've lived by it for 4+ years and I am, indeed, HAPPY!!!

I may have added a few more.  A relationship with God, consistent conversation with God (aka: Prayer), and a solid community.  I firmly believe that all of these things add to my happiness.

Alright, I exceeded my 'brief' entry today, but I hope that you enjoyed it.  I enjoyed writing it!

Fabulous and Forgiven

Mama Fox

 

Click

I have the awesome privilege to attend a bi-weekly meeting at a place called The W.A.R.M. Place (What About Remembering Me).  An organization designed to help children process the loss of a sibling (parent or grandparent; in our case - a sibling)

 

Tonight was our meeting night.  For those that are 'new' to my life, our family experienced the loss of our 5 1/2 week old baby girl, Jordan Brook.  She succumbed to an infection after desperately trying to survive the repair of a heart defect that she had upon birth.  Our story is one of God's grace and one that I will share at another time.  For now - I wanted to share the insight that was on my heart after our last visit to The W.A.R.M. Place

 

**************here ya go***************

 

I sat, listening to one mom cry (well, several, but these two in particular b/c they, too, lost babies).  The light went on.  Here I was, capable, able and eager to carry the burden of their pain for those few precious minutes.  Nine months ago, I was the one fresh in my pain, only four short months having bid farewell to our Jordan.

 

I had started at the WP, my exact words - 'I will trust the process'.  I really felt I didn't 'need' this group.  I have a phenomenal support system outside of this room.  However great that network though - not one knows the ache of losing a child.  So here, within the walls of the WP, I get to settle into the safety net of those that 'get it'.  While each story unique and individual, a common thread of understanding the now awkwardness of those that have not been in our shoes.  Sharing the common thread of the initial shock, heartbreak and tiny steps that follow the loss of a child.  The 'firsts', the anniversary's, the celebration's.  All of those things that bring this special group of women together.

 

On the 13th, it occurs to me why Kathy (well...the WP) does what they do and why they do it.  I mean, why not 'graduate' those of us that are 'veterans' of this routine?  "Who you're here for."  "Please state why you're here, who you brought with your and the opening question."  UGH!  Really?  But now...yes!  Of course, not only has it become easier for me to tell my story, I get to be a 'pillow', if you will, for the teary eyed mom, sitting across the room.  The mom that I just want to embrace and love on YET there is strength gained in allowing her to just sit in that pain.  Perhaps a gentle hand or rub on the back.  But - to be vulnerable amongst those that are in your shoes...pretty powerful.

 

I am so glad that I trusted - from the very beginning, when I looked into our Jordan's beautiful blue eyes to the moment that we walked in the doors here.  What sweet relief.  While I will forever ache for my daughter and reflect often on each stage that 'should' have happened.  I know for certain that the WP was definitely supposed to happen.

 

Thank you.

 

Eyes On Him

 

Mama Fox

Let's Get Acquainted

One of my more savvy blogging friends gave me some 'getting started' tips.  One of them being to give a little bit of my background, which could be an entire blog in and of itself.  AND since I'm not real keen on 'lengthy' entries, I hope to keep mine brief yet pack punch.

In true Kim fashion, getting to know me...the standard, "Hi - I'm Kimberly, I reign from Colorado.  I enjoy long walks on the beach, quiet candlelit dinners and..."  UGH!!  So not my style.  Instead, I will offer some 'teasers' and expound as need be, yes?

Married cumulative, 14 years, not necessarily to the same person.

Seven children, not all necessarily on this planet.

Served, but not jail.

Earn my living by working with other people's children.

Reign from a rocky region.

I will leave you with that for now.  I, also, got another tip from a friend, only she didn't realize she was giving me a tip.  She said that she looks forward to next week's episode.  BRILLIANT!!  I was in a panic that I was obligated to do this DAILY!  Without realizing it she 'gave me permission' (so to speak) to make this more of a weekly thing!  FREEDOM!!

For now - since it's my first week - you may just hear from me daily.  

In the meantime, as I sort this all out, be the best YOU that YOU can be and always...

Eyes On Him
Kimberly

Have To Start Somewhere

Apparently I needed to add one more thing to my life.  Ever since our blogging days on Caring Bridge, I've been wanting to be in touch with the masses.  While an occassional FaceBook post is nice, there are times that I would like to be a bit more detailed.  Not sure how fascinating or boring these entries will be, but it's a start.  Besides, with paper and pen about to be obsolete (ha!), I better start getting my inspirations into cyberspace!  :-) 

Here's my first big 'thought' - pizza.  I'll back up - we had pizza the other night for dinner.  I was thrilled because it meant I didn't have to take the time to 'cook' our traditional Sunday meal - grilled cheese.  I had my pizza sandwich - for those that know me, you know what I'm talking about.  Those new to my world, it's where you take a two slices and place them on top of each other - top touching top - like a pizza kiss! 

The next morning this hits me - empty.  Dinner was good, but it was empty.  It was fun watching WIPEOUT (top ten favorite show on the time suck box), but it was...empty.  Thoughts then flowed to how often we fill up SO MANY areas of our life with 'empty.'  They fill us in the moment, but really - how 'full' were we?

(sigh) Still working it all out, but truth be told, I want to be more intentional with filling up on what's filling and not filling up on the empty.

Until next time...

Eyes On Him
Mama Fox