Ideal.

A few weeks ago, I was invited to join in on hosting a baby shower. 

A baby shower, for a baby, that had come along in 'less than ideal' circumstances.  Mom and dad, not married.  Dad comes from a solid home of faith, home school upbringing, original set of parents.  Mom, a bit more of a troubled background, having had one baby already and a history of abuse.  

I then got word from THEE host organizing this event.  I was given my marching orders, list of food to contribute and then a few days later, she asked if I would do a five minute devotional.

(emoticon:  SHOCK face)

I humbly said, 'uhm...yes'

ME?!  

She knows so many other people!  So many more...friends that she has a much longer history with than little ol' me! Regardless of the 'why' I accepted the privilege to speak over this young father.

Monday rolls around, I look over my text outlining the food and see the request again.  "Oh...that's right.  I really need to put something together."  

Promptly forget.

Tuesday...Wednesday...Saturday morning.

Reading my personal devotional. "OMGee...I need to put together a devotional for the shower today!!!" (gulp!!)

I finish up my devotional.

I read the scripture for the day again...

That's it.

Fast forward. 

I'm at the shower.  I stand up and say, "Ok...so...after I wrote this all out this morning, I felt really confident.  It seemed like I really encapsulated what was to be said today.  NOW...standing before you...I want to throw up!"  I was SO nervous!!!  Surrounded by sages and friendships, going back years and years (uhm...so far back as the young father's baby shower we were there to love on!!)

Anyway...the following is the devotional that came to me to share at the shower.

******************************

BE STILL BEFORE THE LORD AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR HIM;

DO NOT FRET WHEN PEOPLE SUCCEED IN THEIR WAYS, 

WHEN THEY SUCCEED IN THEIR WICKED SCHEMES. – PS 37:7

Ooookkk…that’s a weird scripture for a baby shower.  Certainly not the traditional, warm and fuzzy ‘I know the plans I have for you…knitted in my mother’s womb…’

And you’d be right.

Because this entire journey that C. and his precious family have been on, so far, has been anything but warm and fuzzy.  

There’s been nothing ‘traditional’ about it.

It’s been a lot of waiting.

It’s been a lot of (trying) not to fret.

It’s been hoping wicked schemes didn’t weigh out.

Today, while there is still a bit of a ways to go on this road ahead, we celebrate J’s life.  We rejoice that he is healthy.  Well cared for and loved by a community of people.  People that recognized and seized an opportunity to extend grace where otherwise, it could’ve been withheld.

 

Let’s be frank – the circumstances do NOT appear to be all that ideal.  

But who are WE to say they’re NOT ideal?

God was not caught off guard by any of this.  

WE may have been, but God was not.

He was not scrambling around when Jacob made himself known to his mother.

God did panic or fret.  Or slap his forehead, “Great…now look what they’ve done!”

I’d like to think that He knew EXACTLY what he was doing.  

I believe that our God is the epitome of grace, love and mercy (something most of us barely scratch the surface on any given day).  Knowing this about our God, I believe he considered – who better?  Who better to face the stares, whispers and flimsy opinions than this rock-solid family of faith?  A family that has rallied, prayed and trusted.  A family that has cried out to that very same loving, gracious, and merciful God.

I also believe that God knew this baby shower…this celebration was the best way to demonstrate HIS amazing capacity to love his children.  The humbling part?  We got to participate.  We were allowed to be the hands and the feet.  Apparently; the best tools in the tool box, expressly equipped to extend love and grace.  Because let’s be honest, we all come to the table with our own ‘non-traditional’ journeys, yes?

So…while each of the steps that led to today were not traditional, perfect, or what we would consider, ‘ideal’.  

May I gently remind you that our Savior did not come to us traditionally either.  

His circumstances far from perfect.  Dare I say, not even all that ‘ideal’.

However, the outcome was perfect.

It was exactly as God planned.  Let’s pray...

(here is that prayer)

Abba

What joy it is to call you ‘daddy’.  To curl up in your lap, exhale a breath of sheer relief.  The comfort of a Father that knows us all too well.

We celebrate today not only J, but each and every life that is here today.  We celebrate the bumpy roads that brought each of us here today.  Roads, that took turns, had a few bumps and in the end turned us to YOUR amazing grace.

We ask today a special blessing on J’s life.  For continued health.  We trust that, while things unfold, we will not fret.  We trust that, while WE think we know what’s best, ultimately YOU are the one that knows best.  

As we have spoken of mercy and grace, it would be negligent to not say a prayer over J’s mom.  Let’s recognize that she could’ve made a very different choice.  We celebrate the choice that she DID make today.  It goes without saying that she is hurting deeply and floundering a bit.  Our prayer is that, while the justice system plays out – knowing you’re in full control – that J's mom would catch glimpses of YOU.  That there would come a day when she looks back and can see your fingerprints all over this.  That she would come to KNOW YOU through all of this.  Show her…help her recognize the ‘something different’ in this family.

Thank you for allowing each and every one of us to gather here today and pour into C and J.  May the grandparents, aunts and uncles marvel at the outpouring of love and support that continues to flow from you through us.

Thank you for babies.  

Thank you for Jesus.  

And thank you…for saving our floundering souls. 

Amen.

 ******************************

I will leave you with that today.

The Texas Ginger

Bringing World Peace One Hug at a Time

Fill 'Er Up

Remember when you used to pull into a gas station and an attendant would come to your car?  I do.  It was a Diamond Shamrock. Our attendant's name was Ross.  Nice guy.  He'd check the oil, he'd wash the windows, make small talk and fill up the gas tank.  

His role, at that moment, was 'acquaintance.'

I went on a whirlwind road trip to Arkansas recently, during which time I met my boyfriend's grandma.  She was a feisty lady, conversation did not come easily and it was definitely one-sided. You know, you ask a question, the person answers and then...crickets.  Conversation just didn't...flow, yes?

As I left, I contemplated what would it have been like had information not been volunteered, no questions asked of her, because she was not asking anything of us or volunteering any information of her own life.  

It really begged the question - Why?

Why was she not interested in, say, my life?  Or her grandson?  Or even her granddaughter that was sitting there.  (stay with me here...I'm not so egotistical that I wanted her to ask my anything or hold court to talk about myself...)

Then my thought was followed with - good for her.  

Having released the 'need' the make small talk or fill the space with information that, truth be told, she could probably care less about.  I don't say that with any malice or meanness - I genuinely mean it in the nicest way!  

It could almost be applauded.  Would the visit have lost anything or meant any less to her had we all just sat there in silence?  And who knows, given the chance, maybe she WOULD have initiated conversation had we not spoken? 

Honestly, I would've been ok with it.  'It' being - to just be.  Just be there with this woman I was meeting for the first time.  

As I sat in her living room, taking in all of the stuff she had collected and displayed over her lifetime - glass figures, pictures, collectibles - I noticed a HUGE book.  

'TWIGS and BRANCHES' was the title of the book.  

Seeing the title, I thought it was a gardening book.  She had several thriving plants in her home, so it only made sense.  With conversation lacking, I decided to ask if I could look at it. 

Low and behold, it was a book of her family's genealogy!
'Old school', I'm talking TYPED pages!

(for those of you that do not have a frame of reference, just Google 'typewriters'  LOL)! 

There was something...weighty about flipping through those pages.  

She shared that she was one of TWENTY-SIX grandchildren (I am one of THIRTEEN, and I thought THAT was alot!!).  She came around to look over my shoulder, pointing out herself in the book, her parents...people that she had known.  I'm sure a little nostalgic. 

These people, they knew her.  Well, some of them.  (You understand what I'm saying).  The three of us, sitting in her living room, knew hardly anything about her, yes?  And even if we DID, the people in those pages knew her very differently.

What struck me was - we know people in different roles.  I know, I know...be who you are ALL the time.  Let's be honest.  While there are some constants in every exchange, we all 'perform' different roles in different settings.  
 

Friend.  My friends know me as funny (at least I hope they think I'm funny); I'm the one that says out loud what everyone is thinking (not always ideal...sigh).  I recently saw a quote, "The thoughts in my head just roll around and sometimes they stroll out of my mouth."  HA!!  I'd like to think I'm a good listener.  I'm certainly a locked vault of secrets.   

Mom.  I'm not terribly coddling or...uhm...'soft' (much to their chagrin). My mission statement as their mom has been, "I'm launching an adult into the world."  That means, when they leave their lunch at home, I do not take it to them.  When they need money for something, they earn it.  When they have an issue with a teacher or friend, I coach a 'how to' conversation (occasionally I have to intervene).  You get the idea.  (see: Love and Logic)

Daughter.  My mom knows...oh boy!  Way. Too. Much!!  While I do not put her on the same level as God, my understanding / on-earth example of unconditional love and acceptance - she exudes it.  She has loved me through some really mucky-muck parts of my life.  Some great, shining moments.  Some stupid, awful moments (that may have involved grape hubba-bubba bubble gum and underage drinking...but I digress)  Of ALL the people in my life, she has been THE. ONE. Still standing by my side, loving me.  (thanks mommy)

Employee.  My managers and bosses have trusted me with the jobs I've had over the years.  Loved me when I've missed details, applauded when I've had a great idea.  I'm not the easiest employee (really?  they say...LOL).  I am reliable.  I'm loyal.  I'm dependable.

Partner.  I'm not married, but I've been married.  (Jokingly, if you want to get technical, I've BEEN married for 20+ years, just not to the same person).  That said, I am in a relationship.  I am happy.  We're compatible.  He is an incredible compliment to my life.  He has come along after several past relationships, kids, hurts and hang ups.  So, we're still learning, yet he makes this season so...easy.

Stranger.  Yes.  The cashiers, the servers, the flight attendants. Strangers, but only for a second, because I inevitably ask them questions.  Conversations ensue.  Life-long friends created?  Not usually.  But for a brief moment, they're human and we connect and smile.

I guess two points have morphed in this writing.  

1) We have people in our lives that, you know, are known by other people in very different ways.  I guess some would say we put on a 'mask.'  I would encourage you that it's not a mask.  It's just...who we are in THAT moment.  I am not a DAUGHTER in the moments I meet a waitress (I mean, I am...but you get what I'm saying).  

I do not KNOW my boyfriend's grandma.  I probably never will.

However, I sure appreciated what she brought to me that particular day.  

2) Just be.  

That afternoon, this woman demonstrated a comfort with NOT talking.

Not really interested. 

TOTALLY ok.

Rude?  Some may think so.  I, on the other hand, eh...it was fine with me.

Go forward, be quiet in a few moments.  

Just. Be.

And perhaps, just be in your role.

The Texas Ginger
Bringing World Peace One Hug at a Time

Storms and Cocoons

*this particular post likens itself to a prior post, 'BUBBLES / 2011'
It's an important reminder  though, so forgive some repetition - thank you*

Went to a mani / pedi on over the weekend with my friend.

As we went for an early dinner / snack, the host sat us in a booth where we couldn't see outside.  However, walking in it, looked super ominous.

Dark clouds.

Windy.

Thunder.

The host even affirmed, "Yep, big storm comin'!"

We walked in, ordered and continued our conversation.  Oblivious to any weather event that was 'certain' to come through.

As we left, we could see that it had, indeed rained.  And this occurred to me...

How often to we sit in the cocoon of comfort while a storm rages around us? A storm that, in some cases, directly impacts those around us?  I'm reminded of two scenarios that, personally, bring this to light for me.

The first was 2006, when I experienced my first miscarriage.  I had been 5 months pregnant. His name was Jacob.  We had gone in for an ultrasound. And while I had had some misgivings that something was not right, I was still hopeful.  The ultrasound tech listens, and listens.  Then, very stoically excuses herself to get the doctor.  

Sigh...no heartbeat.  

I walked around for three days after that, awaiting the scheduled DNC. Apparently my body had not gotten the memo and was not 'miscarrying' Jacob.  

I walked into a coffee shop.  

The barista innocently asks, "How are you today?!"  

All I could think was, "Uhm...carrying around a deceased baby in my body. Like...I'm coexisting with death as we speak."

I'm sure I answered, "I'm alright.  How are you?"  And even as I ASKED HER, I wondered, 'What are YOU up against right now, besides the pressure to get my coffee order to my liking?'    

Fast forward three years, two more miscarriages.
It's 2009 and I delivered Jordan Brook Fox, via emergency C-section.
Full-term - yes?
Complications - you bet.
The moment they cut the cord and she starts to turn blue.  I am no expert, but that wasn't normal.  After investigating, it's discovered that the vein, that is SUPPOSED to connect to the RIGHT ventricle, had been 'wired' to the LEFT ventricle.  You may or may not know, the LEFT ventricle is supposed to be dormant while in utero.  When it is not, it becomes very tight, creating a tough muscle vs pliable.  She also had holes in her heart, causing the mixing of her blood.  They fixed the problem; she was never closed up and succumbed to infection.

For 5 1/2 weeks, we were traveling back and forth to Cook Children's in Fort Worth.  I often remember sitting at a light, or passing someone on the road. I'd look over and think, "Do you even know that I'm going to see my daughter, my baby girl who is fighting for her life?  So many tubes in and out of her, on ECMO* I'm heading the the hospital RIGHT NOW and will sit there most of the day.  I wonder what YOU'RE going to do..."

No judgment or resentment.
Simply an observation that we / I have no clue what ANY-ONE is going through.  That car next to me...may also have been going to the hospital. Or a party.  Or work.  Who knows??

It's now 2017, I have three amazing girls; two are 'half sisters' to Jacob, Baby November, Baby January, Jordan, Jaelyn and Baby September
(yes, one more miscarriage AFTER Jaelyn).  Jaelyn is the picture of health and gets to experience this side of heaven with all of us.  I have had several pregnancies.  I lost FIVE babies and get to raise three of them.

I've also gone through another divorce.

I was asked to leave my church, of ten years.

Faced a few bumps at work.

Struggle with how well I'm parenting my kids (one is especially challenging).

I've had to redefine a few relationships and set up boundaries
(and stick to them!!).  

My storms are no better / worse than the next person.

Equally...

I get to work as an administrative assistant.
I get to WRITE!
I partner through life with an amazing man.
I have a home (albeit smaller than my olders would like, as they share a room...GASP!!)

I am making new friends; the friends 'still standing' are genuine friends.

I have a God that has NOT given up on me (unlike a few 'Christians')

I have three beautiful AND smart girls 

May I encourage you today - please, please, please...

PAUSE.  

LOOK into the eyes of those that you get (yes, you GET to) to encounter today.
Consider that they may be facing their own storm.  

And maybe they're not.  

Maybe this is a season of sweet calm and serenity.  

Regardless, as we all have heard, we're either in a storm,
                    about to face one or
                                     we're coming out of one.

Maybe you're in a cocoon.  And THAT'S ok.  A cocoon is a place to rest; renew, and return more beautiful.  It's said you shouldn't pry open a cocoon.  That the object inside needs to wiggle out and experience the struggle. 

I don't know about you, but I've wiggled out of a few cocoons.  I'd like to think I'm more confident, more compassionate, more empathetic and more understanding because of it. I'm certainly stronger.  While no one 'pried' me out of those cocoon seasons, I sure had some loving people, having patiently waited, waiting for me as I unfurled my wings.

For those (and you know who you are) I'm grateful and still standing today BECAUSE of you. 

The Texas Ginger

Bringing World Peace, One Hug at a Time

*ECMO is the 'iron' heart & lung, as support during a surgery, yet Jordan was on it for 10 days.  I called it 'Tickle me ECMO'.  Sigh...there was nothing ticklish about it. 

Budding Blogger

I walked into an art gallery today.  

A lovely woman approaches, tells me about the concept of the gallery.  A collective group of artists, each displaying their work...rather, their love. Their hearts.  Because truth be told, if you're putting your art 'out there' then there is a passion behind it.  A...love. And it cannot be called 'work', yes?  I digress though...

Then...the dreaded question, "What do you do?"

Oh boy...

"I'm a writer.  Well...I'm trying to be.  A blogger.  I'm sort of...I'm trying it all out.  I love to write and people seem to like what I write."

"OH!  You're a budding blogger!  Let me take your picture and send it to the gal here and she can put you on our page..."

I was speechless.

Touched.

Humbled.

In awe.

Another nudge.  

I JUST made a choice, in that moment, to 'put out there' what I'm desiring for my life and this sweet soul simply wanted to help.

Will THIS be my 'big break'?  Who knows.  What I DO know is that I took a chance.  An awkward, uncomfortable chance at identifying with what I WANT to be / do.  

I writer.  And one that can / WILL inspire and encourage others.

It felt a little awkward.  Uncomfortable.  Like...what if she sees that I'm a fraud?  LOL

I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with the number of 'signs', nudges, encouragements.

Seriously, overwhelmed.

I'm resourceful

I'm creative

I'm capable

I'm deserving

I'm determined

I'm scared

I'm nervous

I'm an overcomer

I'm a great writer

A few days ago, I read in my devotional on July 4th.  It spoke about 'not giving up on dreams'.  I embarked on a very new, scary venture 27 years ago on July 2nd (the Air Force). And the nudge on that day, to embark on something really scary, on the anniversary of my Air Force journey...coincident?  I think not.

i'm choosing to embrace my dreams.

they're God given.

who else would say, "food truck * blogger * speaker" ??

i've no idea how to begin the journey.

and every journey starts with (A) step.

One. Step.

I'm completely overwhelmed (have I mentioned that yet?  overwhelmed?)  with the number of 'signs', nudges, encouragements...to include, but not short of: 

- My daughter
("That would be totally cool...my mom is following her dreams!")

- Recent readings
(Self Coaching 101, The Work, even a fictional book 'State of Wonder')

- Podcasts
(to include Gary Vee, The Minimalmist, Lewis Howes)

so...eyes tight.  

deep cleansing breath.

here...

i...

GGGGGggoooooo......

(stay tuned...I reckon I'll be posting more, since...you know...I'm a writer)

The Texas Ginger
Bringing World Peace, One Hug at a Time

Every. Time. PERIOD. (unless you're the church)

Please, listen...then read.

Matthew West - Grace Wins (Audio) - YouTube

Matthew West - Grace Wins (Audio)

Matthew West - Grace Wins (Audio) Official audio for “Grace Wins” by Matthew West Get the album LIVE FOREVER here: http://smarturl.it/MWLiveForeve...

I was running errands today.  

The song came on by Mark West / Grace Wins. 

I was propelled into a whirlwind of thought.

The following is not for sympathy.  

It's not to share 'my' side or even to persuade you to 'take' my side (my motto - there are THREE sides to every story: mine, yours and the truth, yes?)

It's not to bash anyONE or group.  

It's simply information about what I have faced over the past few months (with a touch of my personality).

If you'd like to ask questions or get further clarification, please PM me.  

I'm so grateful...thank you!!!

For those of you that do not know or may be catching up, my divorce was final at the end of July and I bought a condo around the same time.  I made tough choices (beginning in December), choices that SEVERAL people had strong opinions about, pastors intervened with 'counseling' and choices that impacted my girls and their dad.  

At about the same time (end of July), the church I had know for ten years, held a meeting with 30+ community group members.  During the meeting they advised / directed those people to 'unfriend me on FB', 'that I was not allowed at any homegroup, community group, or any other church-specific hosted events' (of course, if I am found to be on campus to pick up my girls, be cordial - of course, don't be 'unchristian <tsk, tsk>', but know that she is not welcome or allowed).  

One person asked, "What if we run into her at, say, Kroger?"  Mmmm...yes, well, "Make the conversation restorative in nature and ALWAYS communicate that Senior Pastor is willing to meet with a 'biblical plan of restoration."  

"What about the girls?"  MMmmm...yes, another tricky conundrum...  "Continue to love on them (of course!), but not in such a way that would imply what Kimberly did was 'ok' or that you support her choices."  People were advised, "Do not invite her to lunch or coffee or dinner or the movies...do nothing that would imply you SUPPORT her decision to divorce." (this coming from a church that HARPS on relationships).

I could not make this up and wouldn't believe it if I hadn't heard it with my own two ears.

So...the short of it is:  I was banished from the church I knew because I divorced without 'biblical grounds'...sigh.  True.  I did not leave based on any unfaithfulness or any violence or any substance abuse.  

I gotta say, it has not been easy.  

(Which, I'm sure, delights those that are on board with how this was handled). 

But it hasn't been difficult because this particular church congregation did what they did.  It has been difficult because I've bumbled through separating God from People.  THAT has been the hurdle.  

See, the bottom line is that this is between myself and God.  Period.

Apparently, had I visited this church while in the midst of my pain and angst, I would've been welcomed with open arms.  HOWEVER, because I was a member and 'knew better' they reserved the right to banish me.  I do not say 'ask me to leave' because they have yet to notify me that I am 'officially' on the 'Most Wanted'...well, 'Most UN-Wanted list'.  I learned all of this via a recording of the PRIVATE meeting ABOUT me.

BUT....I digress...THAT is all back story.  This post was provoked by the song from earlier.  

  

'Grace wins every time...'  

EVERYtime.  

I'm certainly no SCHOLAR of the scriptures; I am, however a DAUGHTER of ABBA, and I've read enough, heard enough and been around enough to KNOW that, while He may not like my CHOICE, He still likes and even LOVES me.  I've searched and searched (yes, shocking...again.  I HAVE been in the word and I DO still pray) and have yet to find where JESUS did this...held a meeting, instructed people to ex-communicate a member. WAIT...there was that time in...nope.  Just kidding.  I cannot say the same about the church.

Here's the most baffling part - we ALL read the SAME bible.  And SOMEWHERE they find scripture to support and distort and JUSTIFY this sort of practice.  Oh...I'd seen it before me. I knew full well what was coming. Yet, I still made my choice.  A choice that cost me a few relationships.  (Note, not 'friendships' because if they had been ACTUAL friends, while they may not like my choices / my LIFE, they'd still be around and, there are still a few that think for themselves and can separate the two - THANK YOU for loving me, regardless).

I'll also add, the amount of compassion I've cultivated is beyond what I would've ever learned had I stayed where I was.  I often joke(ed) that my spiritual gift was judging.  

Can I just say?  You do NOT know what anyONE is facing, struggling with or battling.  If you're privy enough to be TOLD or they choose to share it with you, count it a humble blessing; an OPPORTUNITY to pray with them, love on them and walk with them through it. Even in their sharing you STILL cannot grasp the depth of pain.  

And if you think cutting them out of your life is necessary, then that is well within your right. Perhaps you think that it is an act of 'tough love'. Ok.  Then you probably didn't need them in the first place. The relationship was probably surface, at best.  (BTW, I know that there is a place for tough love...this was not one of them).

I would encourage you to reflect and consider:  You.  Do.  NOT.  Know how or what YOU would do in any given situation.  You may THINK you know, but please...don't be so high and mighty; so RIGHTEOUS.

I'm reeling a little, I'm healing even more.
Day by day gets better and better.
I owe none of my progress to the church I attended.
I owe a great deal of my thread-of-faith to where I work and the women that just...love me.
I owe it to God, the one I've CLUNG to since December.
I owe it to the new church I attend
      (and yes, they know the whole thing...and shocking, love me anyway).
I owe it to the friends that have continued to 'friend' me on FB and continue to reach out, even in my mess.  

Humbled, Buoyed and Blessed
And may you be filled with HIS love, light and peace

Mama Fox

It's the 'WHAT', overlook the 'HOW'

* * I've changed the names of various people / places * *

Those that know me know the details

Some of you may or may not know, but I volunteer every Friday at a local charity that helps those that are down on their luck and (let's be honest) some that have managed to make several poor choices that has led them to our place. Every service offered (medical, dental, clothing, furniture, etc) is free of charge. Another side of this charity is to schedule donation pick ups.  Those that are cleaning out closets, moving, upgrading, etc. that choose to donate their items, call in and this organization picks it up. 

Protocol is to have folks come in for a face-to-face, because the heart of this organization is to share the gospel.  My role is to simply answer the phone and give people the information they need or get the information WE need to help them.  More often than not, I'm scheduling donations to be picked up.

I've been at this for almost 8 years and after 8 years one tends to get a little...well, shall we say, indifferent to those calling for assistance.  I'm only given so much 'authority' to DO anything for these folks.  That is the policy at this organization, because I do NOT know back stories.  I'm only there a few hours a week. There have been times my heart breaks for a particular caller, I inform someone that is on staff, only to hear, 'Oh yes...they've called EVERYday this week...x, y, z.'

Are you tracking with me so far?

Stay with me.

About one month ago, I was having a great day.  I was pulling off a fairly cute outfit, it was a good hair day, I'd stopped for coffee, hugged the barista into a better day and even bought breakfast for the 'regular' homeless guy that I see each week.

It.

Was.

An.

AWESOME morning!!!

I was in tune with God.  

The birds were singing.  

I mean, prett-ee sweet start to the day. 

I get the first call.

"Hello, my name is Virginia Smith.  I called yesterday to get some assistance.  I need food and some medicine.  I'm pretty sure I spoke to you and you had said to call back after 3p and I just...time got away from me and I didn't get around to it. Anyway..."

I did not inform her at that moment that there was no way she spoke to me, as I'm only there on Friday's.  She continues on - and this happens lot.  People call and launch into their stories, leaving no space / breath / room to respond.

"Anyway...I have a disabled husband.  Four foster kids and I was just wondering if someone could bring us some food."

"Ma'am, we normally require people to come in, onsite." I say

"I understand, but as I explained yesterday, and I'm sure you were the one I spoke to, that I can't. I have no way of coming in."

I hear this often.  This charity does provide take food to shut-ins, but it is rare. It is case-by-case and it's done if the manpower is available.  

"Ok (as chipper as I can muster).  Well, I wasn't here yesterday, so it wasn't me that took your call.  What I can do is get your information and I'll pass it along to the one that can make those arrangements."  <you must understand, I wasn't at all snarky or rude, as it may seem by reading this.  I was simply...let's say, as earlier, indifferent. Bored, even.>

"You're right.  It wasn't you.  The voice yesterday was much friendlier."

Ouch.

Silence.

She continues to lay into me and give me an earful.  From I-don't-know-what it's-like-to-call-for-help, to fostering kids, to not knowing what it's like to have an elderly husband that is disabled and everything in between.  I'm sure she threw in there 'you think you're so entitled' and 'get off your high horse' was thrown in there too.  

So much for the birds singing and good hair day...sigh

One conversation in my head was saying,

"Who do you think you are lady? You've no idea who I am.  I've a HEART for those in need.  Just this morning I bought breakfast for our local homeless dude.  How do YOU know that I don't know what it's like to ask for help?!  How DARE you!!  You DO realize I have your address and phone number!  And do you know I have some GREAT hair going on today?!  Some. Nerve. Lady."

The other conversation in my head went something like this, 

'She's right.  I've absolutely no idea what it's like to be in her position.  I've never fostered.  I'm not married to a handicap man nor an elderly one <well...haha, just kidding>.  It has to be super humbling, even embarrassing to call and ask for assistance.  AND this is NOT about me.  While I may be a catalyst with my 'tone,' bottom line is that she doesn't know anything about me and she's in a tough place.' 

I knew this second conversation was more accurate.  

I also knew that anything short of an apology would do nothing but make the situation worse.  So I said,

"Ma'am, I apologize that my voice isn't 'friendlier' <I mmmaaayyy have emphasized 'friendlier'>.  I have adopted a 'to the point / dry' demeanor because the sooner I get your information, the sooner you get the help you need."

Round Two.

Definitely not about me, she's having a very. bad. day.

We wrap it up, she hangs up on me (of course) and I weep.  

Sob. 

This hit me hard.  

I knew knew knew it was her circumstances.  I knew to my core that I absolutely care about those less fortunate.

Yet, I cried. 

Maybe she was right.  Maybe I had become callous and too serious with people.

I really did contemplate what she'd said.  While HOW she said it was awful and mean, the things she said about my voice* - did they resonate? COULD I sound friendlier to these people brave enough to pick up a phone and say, "I need help." ?

* * * * Fast forward to Good Friday * * * *

I'm back at this charity.  I'm mindlessly sipping coffee, writing something down and the phone rings.

"Charity-that-helps-people.  How may I help you?"

"Hello, my name is Virginia Smith...

Sound of a record screeching to a stop.

Gut wrench and my tummy drops to my toes.

Is. It. Possible???

She continues, and minus the 'I spoke to you yesterday', she retells the same story, adding that around the 20th, things get really tight, she now has five foster kids, etc.  

I get her information and then ask, "Are you feeling better?"

"Uhm...yes, I...uhm...the impacted tooth still hurts, but that's at the bottom of my priority."

"Well, a few weeks ago, you called in and proceeded to give me an earful about my tone / demeanor on the phone.  I want you to know that it made a big impact on me.  Since then I have been intentional and keenly aware of how I sound.  While I didn't like the delivery, I did have to consider what you said.  I want to apologize AND thank you."

I only got about half of this out and she started to gush. Apologizing herself, sorry if she'd hurt my feelings, she had been having a really bad day.  She thanked me for the fortitude and maturity in even admitting A) that it was me and B) indeed!  I did sound friendly!!

Towards the end, and both of us almost crying, I said, 

"Virginia, I do not find it coincidental that it is Good Friday.  This is absolutely a God moment.  I'm so so glad you called and please know that you've come to mind several times.  Each time I pray(ed). I'm so glad that you called today.  You're very brave to ask for help - that takes courage."

We said our good-byes, hung up.

And I wept again.

The peace, gratefulness and humility that washed over me was indescribable.  I was SO SO grateful that I'd been given that opportunity to learn and to thank my teacher appointed at that time, a few weeks prior.  I get misty-eyed thinking about it.  

Maybe that is my point here.  Every person, every situation, is an opportunity to learn.  Regardless of the 'delivery'.  I've said for a very long time, God always has my best interest at heart and sometimes He uses the Virginia Smith's to deliver.

Humbled, buoyed and blessed, 

MamaFox

*I dismissed the other things she said, because I know better in my heart-of-hearts.  I focused strictly on what she said about my voice, because truth be told, that is all she really 'knew' about me at that time.