Knocked Up at 41...what the?!?!?!

Excuse me while I dust off my keyboard...it has been a L-O-N-G time, yes??  So much for my 'regular' postings.  If I've learned one thing, tell everyone what I'm going to do and I'm guaranteed to fail...miserably.  (sigh)  That said, there have been some prett-ee big changes in my life since we last met / read / 'spoke.'

Let's begin with getting knocked up at 41.  Ok...ok...'knocked up' seems flippant.  It felt that way though.  Like that sheepish teenage; embarrassed and feeling...for lack of better words, stupid.  Caught.  A life sentence.  I'll be honest, I was the eye-roller, standing in the corner every time I'd hear a woman say, "He/She was our little 'surprise." or "It was completely unexpected."  Arms crossed, exercising my spiritual gift of judging other, "Doesn't she KNOW how...I mean, really...I mean..."

Oh.

Tee-hee.  

Oops.

Meet Jaelyn.  March 15, 2013.

Let's rewind...

July 2012, brushing my teeth.  HHmmm...something is missing. What day is it?  When was my last...D-OH!!!!  Did the pee-stick, went to the doctor THAT DAY for the blood test.  Yep.  Positive.  Kept my mouth shut all weekend.  

Sunday morning, my husband, "We need to decide if we are going to try again or if we're done."  

I kept from laughing outloud.

Yes, indeed...we really should talk about whether we should try to get pregnant...oh wait.  I already am!  Said me, in my head. 

I smiled and agreed.  Like any good wife would do.  "Yes, we really should pray about that."  AAAAaaaahhhhh....!!!!

So, Monday, I wrote on a piece of paper a projected date of our baby-to-be and slipped it in with the rest of the mail.  The baby, that, quite frankly, I was a little ticked off about having taken residence in ma belly!!!  I was JUST losing the OTHER baby fat...sigh.

My Joel is looking through the mail.  The girls between us, mixing muffins.  I'm just watching, like a stalker.  He sees it.

"March 2013?" he says.  (apparently I'm only allowed to have babies in March)

I just stare at him.  Actually, it may have been a glare...my memory is foggy.

"March...are you pregnant?!"  Yes, it was definitely a glare.

I. Just. Nod.

Those big blue eyes I fell in love with - wide.  Jaw - dropped.

The girls SQUEAL!!!

Me, not so much.  I happen to have a very clear idea of what's ahead.  That I better come up with a 'How to Bottle Sleep' app, in the next nine months. Visualizing the diapers, the baby food, nursing...you get my drift.

Might I also add the added dread of what may or may not happen. Those of you just tuning in, we have a history of loss.  I lost our son, Jacob, five months into that pregnancy.  I had two miscarriages after that (one at 12 weeks, one at 8).  I carried Jordan to full-term; discovered the heart defect the moment her umbilical cord was cut.  5 1/2 weeks later, having never come home, I kissed her sweet forehead as she passed from her daddy's arms here to her Daddy in heaven.

I was terrified of what was to come.

Terrified.

But, like all mommy's, I put on the brave face and grew that baby.

A few weeks from her delivery, we sat around the kitchen table.  I had us all write out our fears.  They ranged from down syndrome, to loving the baby more than Sydney and Madelaine, to another complete loss.  We talked.  Cried.  Prayed.

Then lit 'em on fire in the BBQ.  Left it all at the alter, so to speak.

And on March 15, 2013, after a few hours of labor; mournfully deciding to go through with a C-section, and 35 attempts in my back for the spinal (not. kidding.) Jaelyn Bryant Fox made our family of four a family of five.

She was perfect.

Big blue eyes.

Beautiful red hair.

Healthy.

Pretty sure I breathed for the first time in nine months.

The months that followed, I still wrestled with the lot cast on my life.  I decided to stay home with Jaelyn, as I had with my older two.  Here I was, in the throws of diapers, nursing-on-demand and going on little sleep.  No longer 'in demand' at a job or a feeling of importance (how would they go on without me!?).  Home bound to tend to this baby girl.  I knew I was 'supposed' to be so grateful for her, given our detour in 2009.  Quite the contrary, I was feeling selfish and shallow.  I often had friends say, "I'm SO GLAD I'm not you!!!  I can't imagine having a baby!!!"  YOU can't?!  

At about six months, I got it...I fell head over heels in love with her.  I get teary eyed as I think about the tremendous second (third? fourth?) chance I have been given.  I can be slow on the uptake.  

And today - 17 months in - I am thrilled to be the mom of three earth bound girls.  I'm in my element, chasing around a soon-to-be toddler.  I go from advising my 12y on the finer elements of how to navigate through life to 'NO BITING!  NO HITTING' (wait, or is it the other way around....ha!!)

It is a bit daunting to know that I'll be bidding farewell in six short years to my oldest.  I would swear that I watch her mature and grow right before my eyes, like time-elapsed film.  I see my middlest doing her best to figure out where she fits in - exercising her fabulous strong will and personality.  And then I look over my shoulder and am reminded at how quickly it all passes.  I've always hated that cliche, "They grow up before ya know it!"  But as much as I hate it, it's absolutely true.  Just yesterday I was chasing Sydney and Madelaine around, now THEY'RE chasing a smaller version of themselves around!  How did this happen?!

Oh...wait...never mind.  

I know.

(insert eye rolling)

Humbled, buoyed and blessed -
Mama Fox

Who. Am. I?

His feet were unstable.  Her heart was unstable.

He wore his helmet.  She wore her head covering.

His mouth hung open.  Hers was in a hard, concerned line.

(sigh) I sat behind a handicap bus recently, watching all of this unfold.  Of course, I was in an uber hurry, disgusted that I had to wait a mere ten minutes (probably less, but felt like an eternity) for this to all unfold. (enter emoticon – eyes rolling)

Then I paused.

I got up that morning, and heard the sound of my daughter’s alarm clock.  Within a half an hour both of my healthy, full-functioning girls were in the kitchen, packing their lunches, their backpacks, getting their breakfast ready.  1-2-3…like clockwork.

My heart ached inside, literally, as I imagined what this mother’s morning may have been like…of course, I speculate as I write the following, so bear with me.  Obviously, I wasn’t there.

Up much earlier than her son, having to go in and wake him up.  How was that?  Is he easy to get out of bed?  Is he potty-trained?  Does he know he’s about to go to school, out of the protective wing of his mother? 

Getting dressed – was he able to do this all by himself?  Does she struggle to dress this young man, triple the size of a toddler, but probably having the mentality of one.

Breakfast – she probably had to feed him.  Does he eat easily?  Does he throw his food?  Is he even capable of eating by way of his mouth?

If you could have seen her face…the concern, the dread, her self-doubt, “Am I doing the right thing?”  I have no way of knowing if this was his very first time on the bus, first time to go school.  By the look on her face, I’d venture to say ‘yes.’ 

I’m brought back to earth with thoughts, again, of my own, smooth morning.  No longer miffed at the delay of waiting; rather I was given precious time to pray – over this woman that, other than being dressed differently and perhaps facing more daily challenges than I do, we are no less different - often concerned - am I doing the right thing?  Did I show enough love?  Are they going to be ok? 

I was so moved by God’s intervention that morning; I had no choice but to push pause on my own life and take an inventory.  We all face our own doubts, struggles, ups and downs as mom’s, don’t we?  Those that have forged ahead <having grown children> give us hope.  Those of us in the throws of it all, we lock arms and nod, “YES!!  I UNDERSTAND!!”   

Most of you know that I’m a self-proclaimed ‘Hugger.’ I wanted to embrace her and offer a word of encouragement (sigh), but I get enough, “Are you crazy?” looks throughout any given day. She was already preoccupied enough without a complete stranger leaping from her car, running towards her.

I’m struck with two things from this divine pause.  One – while she and I looked very different (she clearly practiced a different form of faith than I do), we weren’t really all that different.  We are both mom’s, we both love our children, we both want what is best for them.  Second – interruptions.  Her entire life was interrupted when she was given her son, mine was hiccuped for but a few minutes.  Who. Am. I? 

I leave you with this – the next time you see another mom look differently than you (does she OWN a mirror?  Where is the rest of her skirt?  I’ve got two of my own, why do I need to look at hers?  you KNOW what I'm talkin' about!) Or maybe your day is interrupted by someone else (the nerve, don't they know I have a schedule...a job...a LIFE!), I’ll just bet you’re not all that different from her.  Deep down, she loves her child (ok…she’s using gritted teeth…but who hasn’t?).  Take pause and reflect on your own list of blessings and in that same moment offer some spiritual hugs.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT have any of this mastered by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m sure glad God flicks my brain on occasion, tugs my heart and gently reminds me that I am no better / worse than that mom next to me.

Humbled, buoyed and blessed –

MAMA FOX

Marvel in the Moment

“Let’s go to the park buddy.” She said to her son as she picked him up from preschool that day.

SWOOSH.  I was whisked back a few years, to the days where the park and snack bags were common place.  I am actually misty-eyed as to the simplicity that has escaped our lives.  (sigh) 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to ‘miss the back days’ (as my youngest calls them), but there is a place in our lives to reflect on what ‘was’.  It’s a little surreal to see how life evolves, moving ever so quickly forward.  Mind boggling.

Then I watched a teeny little toddler running around…were mine really ever that small?  Gone are the days of sippy cups (and believe you me, I do not miss 'em!).  My oldest is almost as tall as me, my youngest can drive me from happy to frustration in 0 - 60! (can I get an ‘AMEN’?)

So where is the inspiration here?  I dare not cliché this with ‘enjoy those years now…’ or the ever popular, ‘it goes so fast!’  While we should and it does, my encouragement is to simply be in the moments – regardless of age or height (yours or your kids, if you have 'em!) 

Regardless if you have smaller people that you’re screwing up…I mean, training for the ‘real world’.  I have missed moments to marvel – while I certainly do marvel at my girls, do I pause long enough to marvel at my Abba?

Does Abba marvel at me? (perhaps…on some of my better days)

Do I send Abba from 0 – 60 flat with utter frustration?  (without a doubt)

Let’s take time – marvel in the moment(s)

Be present in the present.

That’s all really. 

Humbled, Buoyed and Blessed

MamaFox

Hot Yoga

If you know me, you know that I love me so hot-ness; I relish our 100 degree summer days and I can even tolerate a sauna on occasion.  Both of those require the energy of a gnat; sitting.  Doing little, but read.

Enter this concept – Hot Yoga.  WHO thought of this?!  SOMEONE (or several someone’s) sat around and apparently thought the traditional 60 minutes in a coolish room while bending our bodies in crazy poses just was too…weird?  “I KNOW, I KNOW” one said, “let’s crank up the temperature, to, say, 100 degrees and THEN bend ‘em in those crazy positions.”  And so they did. 

W-H-A-T?!  (sigh)  Anyway…so I did it, Hot Yoga – check.

Have you ever sweated from your HANDS?!  Or…uhm…toes?!  Anyway, there is a whole lot o’ sweatin’ goin’ on, and it was totally worth it.  Even after waves of nausea and near fainting, it was worth it. 

SO…WHY am I telling you this?  I want to encourage you to try something new.  I am not a yoga fan (could’ve used a fan today…but, I digress), but Hot Yoga was my ‘something new’ and I am really glad that I did.  What will YOUR something new be?  Would you shoot me a wall post on FaceBook and tell me what ‘something new’ you did (or did recently)? 

Before I close, I want to thank my friend (you know who you are) that urged me to get back on my BLOG.  Her words, “Uhm…by the way, missie, I follow your blog and you haven’t written in some time.” (eyebrow raised for emphasis -HA!). 

Just as Hot Yoga energized me, so did writing this tonight.  Albeit, not all that 'enlightening', I hope it brought a smile to your face. 

I look forward to your wall post.

I will, also, make a committment to post more often. 

Humbled, Buoyed and Blessed,

Mama Fox

Are You A Teacher?

I hesitated.  I was surrounded by school books and papers, getting ready to check over the day's work that my girls had accomplished.  They attend a school where parent involvement is encouraged.  My Joel and I are passing the 4th AND 2nd grade with flying colors, I'll have you know.  HA!!  But...I digress.

Said scene would certainly prompt that question, 'Are you a teacher?'  I hesitated.  Well, technically, no - I have been humbled to the position of 'aide' where I had been a 'teacher' (life-coach, as I like to call it) and I wasn't employed with a school district.  B-U-T...I AM a teacher - to my two great daughters!  I get to teach them a whole bunch of stuff that the books in front of me lack.

- How to be honest
     (and how to talk yourself out of...JUST KIDDING!!!)
- How to 'use your words' and communicate clearly
- How to gently confront, even when it's a bit uncomfortable
- How to HUG (I have a degree ya know!)
- The art of a HANDwritten thank you note
- The art of giving back and being generous

The list goes on and on.  And I don't list the above as some angle to boast.  Absolutely not.  I write as an effort to heighten awareness that we are A-L-L teachers.  I'm not just talking about homeschool mom's, public school teachers, private school, etc.  You must realize that we teach everywhere we go and people are watching our every move.  Again, not because I'm all that and a bag of chips.  Again, awareness. 

Let me share a few 'sightings' -
- The mom I overhear getting stern and frustrated.  (Oh how I've been there).  Yet she teaches me how ugly that looks and sounds; of course my heart just aches for that child.
- My dear friend that can laugh at just about everything her kids do!  I have GLEAMED volumes from this woman.
- Another friend that has a real knack for turning my eyes back on God in any given situation.  Be it by prayer or by reading God's word.

Again, the list is long.  But none of the above did I read in a book!  I learned from WATCHING and LISTENING!

My challenge to you today - TEACH without saying a word.  And hug just a little bit more...everyone needs a hug.

And yes, I am a teacher.  I get to be the best possible teacher to my two beautiful, bright girls.  It's not all good material because I sure do have my days; but I'm doing the best I can.

Humbled, buoyed and blessed -
MamaFox

Forget? I Think Not

He did it again.

He does remember.

He loves me enough to let me know.

I went to a concert a few weeks ago.  Something you should know is that I'm afraid of Jordan's memory being forgotten.  Now, I know that within the confines of our family, she will forever be in our hearts.  However, I have the need to know that she continues to impact the lives of others.  Every few months, I get a touch panic-y that she's fading.  And then...He comes through.

Back to the concert.  I will not name drop, but we attended the concert of a friend of mine.  She has some notoriety in the community and our kids go to school together.  Apparently, when I was sharing about The W.A.R.M. Place (see post 'Click' / September 2010), something resonated with her and a song bubbled up to the surface (In Her Shoes - how appropriate, given my addiction to shoes!!)  She referenced this conversation, mentioned our sweet baby girl and our loss...I was touched!  She remembered and Jordan was not forgotten!!!

Not five minutes before that, my Sweet T was telling me about how she had shared our story that week, with a new friend at her school.  Her new friend was touched to tears.  This just warmed my heart!  Not that I enjoy 'making' someone cry, but to know that she was crying for our girl! 

What's the point of this?  Why do I bother to allude to knowing famous people and that my friend shared our Jordan with her new friend?  Because, I want you to know that God is THAT personal.  THAT loving.  THAT interested in the matters of the heart. 

Secondary to this, it was a reminder that our actions are observed and our words are heard even when we don't think that they are 'doing' anything.  I shared with no expectation.  I recently heard a quote, every exchange we have with someone, we are making an impact.  YIKES!!

Thank you, my famous friend and thank you, my Sweet T.  Thank you to everyone one of you that remembers our Jordan, that share her story or just ponder her precious 5 1/2 weeks.  For your tears...those are most precious. 

Humbled, buoyed and blessed

Eyes On Him

Mama Fox

Bubbles

I was ‘that’ person today at my local grocery store.  Went through the express line with my ten items, but I was lured into the impulse buy at the checkout (so, it’s sort of their fault, right?) and added another four items.  I watched the cashier scanning my items and only then realized that I had gone over the express lane maximum.  I gasped!  I joked about what I had done, looked at the folks behind me and said, “OMWord – I am THAT person!  It’s ok – you can give me ‘the look’ because I’d be giving ‘the look’!” We all laughed, the clerk was sweet, said it was fine. 

But then I just wanted to cry.

As I looked into the faces of those complete strangers, it occurred to me that they had no idea that I was mourning my Jordan, having lost her two years ago. 

And I had no clue what any of them were facing in their own lives.

Bubbles.  We’re all in one.  Going about our daily lives, floating around in our own space, our own thoughts and occasionally we bump into another bubble.  Sometimes our bubble pops because of another person that is having their own bad day (HA! - forgive the pun). 

Back to my day – I’m usually pretty in tune with my own bubble and fellow bubbles around me, taking into consideration that a cashier or waitress may be having their own ‘stuff’ going on.  But today (sigh) I was having a tiny pity-party, very self absorbed on my sadness.

Interestingly enough, it brought me back around.  I reminded myself that I am not the only one that has lost a child.  I began to wonder about those other ‘bubbles’ and feel compassion towards them too. 

So why do I share this with you, my fellow bubbles?  To bring a heightened awareness to those around you, to be sensitive and consider the ‘stuff’ that someone else is going through.  I’ve been known to shift my paradigm towards someone after I learn something tragic has happened in their life.  But why do I (you) need to wait?  EVERYONE has something – tragic or not – going on in their life. 

Ever blow a bubble and two develop?  They’re side by side, floating in harmony, not popping but completely in sync?  Why not be that bubble?

And in case you’re wondering – I did cry today.  Several times. 

When asked, ‘How are you?” 

In a word, “Sad.” 

Yet in that sadness, I am loved on by so many of you and blessed beyond words.  

I continue to be...humbled, buoyed and blessed

Eyes On Him

Mama Fox

I do want to extend a special thank you to my Sweet T and my Beth-friend in Colorado for just...listening today.  Thank you thank you.