Knocked Up at 41...what the?!?!?!

Excuse me while I dust off my keyboard...it has been a L-O-N-G time, yes??  So much for my 'regular' postings.  If I've learned one thing, tell everyone what I'm going to do and I'm guaranteed to fail...miserably.  (sigh)  That said, there have been some prett-ee big changes in my life since we last met / read / 'spoke.'

Let's begin with getting knocked up at 41.  Ok...ok...'knocked up' seems flippant.  It felt that way though.  Like that sheepish teenage; embarrassed and feeling...for lack of better words, stupid.  Caught.  A life sentence.  I'll be honest, I was the eye-roller, standing in the corner every time I'd hear a woman say, "He/She was our little 'surprise." or "It was completely unexpected."  Arms crossed, exercising my spiritual gift of judging other, "Doesn't she KNOW how...I mean, really...I mean..."

Oh.

Tee-hee.  

Oops.

Meet Jaelyn.  March 15, 2013.

Let's rewind...

July 2012, brushing my teeth.  HHmmm...something is missing. What day is it?  When was my last...D-OH!!!!  Did the pee-stick, went to the doctor THAT DAY for the blood test.  Yep.  Positive.  Kept my mouth shut all weekend.  

Sunday morning, my husband, "We need to decide if we are going to try again or if we're done."  

I kept from laughing outloud.

Yes, indeed...we really should talk about whether we should try to get pregnant...oh wait.  I already am!  Said me, in my head. 

I smiled and agreed.  Like any good wife would do.  "Yes, we really should pray about that."  AAAAaaaahhhhh....!!!!

So, Monday, I wrote on a piece of paper a projected date of our baby-to-be and slipped it in with the rest of the mail.  The baby, that, quite frankly, I was a little ticked off about having taken residence in ma belly!!!  I was JUST losing the OTHER baby fat...sigh.

My Joel is looking through the mail.  The girls between us, mixing muffins.  I'm just watching, like a stalker.  He sees it.

"March 2013?" he says.  (apparently I'm only allowed to have babies in March)

I just stare at him.  Actually, it may have been a glare...my memory is foggy.

"March...are you pregnant?!"  Yes, it was definitely a glare.

I. Just. Nod.

Those big blue eyes I fell in love with - wide.  Jaw - dropped.

The girls SQUEAL!!!

Me, not so much.  I happen to have a very clear idea of what's ahead.  That I better come up with a 'How to Bottle Sleep' app, in the next nine months. Visualizing the diapers, the baby food, nursing...you get my drift.

Might I also add the added dread of what may or may not happen. Those of you just tuning in, we have a history of loss.  I lost our son, Jacob, five months into that pregnancy.  I had two miscarriages after that (one at 12 weeks, one at 8).  I carried Jordan to full-term; discovered the heart defect the moment her umbilical cord was cut.  5 1/2 weeks later, having never come home, I kissed her sweet forehead as she passed from her daddy's arms here to her Daddy in heaven.

I was terrified of what was to come.

Terrified.

But, like all mommy's, I put on the brave face and grew that baby.

A few weeks from her delivery, we sat around the kitchen table.  I had us all write out our fears.  They ranged from down syndrome, to loving the baby more than Sydney and Madelaine, to another complete loss.  We talked.  Cried.  Prayed.

Then lit 'em on fire in the BBQ.  Left it all at the alter, so to speak.

And on March 15, 2013, after a few hours of labor; mournfully deciding to go through with a C-section, and 35 attempts in my back for the spinal (not. kidding.) Jaelyn Bryant Fox made our family of four a family of five.

She was perfect.

Big blue eyes.

Beautiful red hair.

Healthy.

Pretty sure I breathed for the first time in nine months.

The months that followed, I still wrestled with the lot cast on my life.  I decided to stay home with Jaelyn, as I had with my older two.  Here I was, in the throws of diapers, nursing-on-demand and going on little sleep.  No longer 'in demand' at a job or a feeling of importance (how would they go on without me!?).  Home bound to tend to this baby girl.  I knew I was 'supposed' to be so grateful for her, given our detour in 2009.  Quite the contrary, I was feeling selfish and shallow.  I often had friends say, "I'm SO GLAD I'm not you!!!  I can't imagine having a baby!!!"  YOU can't?!  

At about six months, I got it...I fell head over heels in love with her.  I get teary eyed as I think about the tremendous second (third? fourth?) chance I have been given.  I can be slow on the uptake.  

And today - 17 months in - I am thrilled to be the mom of three earth bound girls.  I'm in my element, chasing around a soon-to-be toddler.  I go from advising my 12y on the finer elements of how to navigate through life to 'NO BITING!  NO HITTING' (wait, or is it the other way around....ha!!)

It is a bit daunting to know that I'll be bidding farewell in six short years to my oldest.  I would swear that I watch her mature and grow right before my eyes, like time-elapsed film.  I see my middlest doing her best to figure out where she fits in - exercising her fabulous strong will and personality.  And then I look over my shoulder and am reminded at how quickly it all passes.  I've always hated that cliche, "They grow up before ya know it!"  But as much as I hate it, it's absolutely true.  Just yesterday I was chasing Sydney and Madelaine around, now THEY'RE chasing a smaller version of themselves around!  How did this happen?!

Oh...wait...never mind.  

I know.

(insert eye rolling)

Humbled, buoyed and blessed -
Mama Fox