Fill 'Er Up

Remember when you used to pull into a gas station and an attendant would come to your car?  I do.  It was a Diamond Shamrock. Our attendant's name was Ross.  Nice guy.  He'd check the oil, he'd wash the windows, make small talk and fill up the gas tank.  

His role, at that moment, was 'acquaintance.'

I went on a whirlwind road trip to Arkansas recently, during which time I met my boyfriend's grandma.  She was a feisty lady, conversation did not come easily and it was definitely one-sided. You know, you ask a question, the person answers and then...crickets.  Conversation just didn't...flow, yes?

As I left, I contemplated what would it have been like had information not been volunteered, no questions asked of her, because she was not asking anything of us or volunteering any information of her own life.  

It really begged the question - Why?

Why was she not interested in, say, my life?  Or her grandson?  Or even her granddaughter that was sitting there.  (stay with me here...I'm not so egotistical that I wanted her to ask my anything or hold court to talk about myself...)

Then my thought was followed with - good for her.  

Having released the 'need' the make small talk or fill the space with information that, truth be told, she could probably care less about.  I don't say that with any malice or meanness - I genuinely mean it in the nicest way!  

It could almost be applauded.  Would the visit have lost anything or meant any less to her had we all just sat there in silence?  And who knows, given the chance, maybe she WOULD have initiated conversation had we not spoken? 

Honestly, I would've been ok with it.  'It' being - to just be.  Just be there with this woman I was meeting for the first time.  

As I sat in her living room, taking in all of the stuff she had collected and displayed over her lifetime - glass figures, pictures, collectibles - I noticed a HUGE book.  

'TWIGS and BRANCHES' was the title of the book.  

Seeing the title, I thought it was a gardening book.  She had several thriving plants in her home, so it only made sense.  With conversation lacking, I decided to ask if I could look at it. 

Low and behold, it was a book of her family's genealogy!
'Old school', I'm talking TYPED pages!

(for those of you that do not have a frame of reference, just Google 'typewriters'  LOL)! 

There was something...weighty about flipping through those pages.  

She shared that she was one of TWENTY-SIX grandchildren (I am one of THIRTEEN, and I thought THAT was alot!!).  She came around to look over my shoulder, pointing out herself in the book, her parents...people that she had known.  I'm sure a little nostalgic. 

These people, they knew her.  Well, some of them.  (You understand what I'm saying).  The three of us, sitting in her living room, knew hardly anything about her, yes?  And even if we DID, the people in those pages knew her very differently.

What struck me was - we know people in different roles.  I know, I know...be who you are ALL the time.  Let's be honest.  While there are some constants in every exchange, we all 'perform' different roles in different settings.  
 

Friend.  My friends know me as funny (at least I hope they think I'm funny); I'm the one that says out loud what everyone is thinking (not always ideal...sigh).  I recently saw a quote, "The thoughts in my head just roll around and sometimes they stroll out of my mouth."  HA!!  I'd like to think I'm a good listener.  I'm certainly a locked vault of secrets.   

Mom.  I'm not terribly coddling or...uhm...'soft' (much to their chagrin). My mission statement as their mom has been, "I'm launching an adult into the world."  That means, when they leave their lunch at home, I do not take it to them.  When they need money for something, they earn it.  When they have an issue with a teacher or friend, I coach a 'how to' conversation (occasionally I have to intervene).  You get the idea.  (see: Love and Logic)

Daughter.  My mom knows...oh boy!  Way. Too. Much!!  While I do not put her on the same level as God, my understanding / on-earth example of unconditional love and acceptance - she exudes it.  She has loved me through some really mucky-muck parts of my life.  Some great, shining moments.  Some stupid, awful moments (that may have involved grape hubba-bubba bubble gum and underage drinking...but I digress)  Of ALL the people in my life, she has been THE. ONE. Still standing by my side, loving me.  (thanks mommy)

Employee.  My managers and bosses have trusted me with the jobs I've had over the years.  Loved me when I've missed details, applauded when I've had a great idea.  I'm not the easiest employee (really?  they say...LOL).  I am reliable.  I'm loyal.  I'm dependable.

Partner.  I'm not married, but I've been married.  (Jokingly, if you want to get technical, I've BEEN married for 20+ years, just not to the same person).  That said, I am in a relationship.  I am happy.  We're compatible.  He is an incredible compliment to my life.  He has come along after several past relationships, kids, hurts and hang ups.  So, we're still learning, yet he makes this season so...easy.

Stranger.  Yes.  The cashiers, the servers, the flight attendants. Strangers, but only for a second, because I inevitably ask them questions.  Conversations ensue.  Life-long friends created?  Not usually.  But for a brief moment, they're human and we connect and smile.

I guess two points have morphed in this writing.  

1) We have people in our lives that, you know, are known by other people in very different ways.  I guess some would say we put on a 'mask.'  I would encourage you that it's not a mask.  It's just...who we are in THAT moment.  I am not a DAUGHTER in the moments I meet a waitress (I mean, I am...but you get what I'm saying).  

I do not KNOW my boyfriend's grandma.  I probably never will.

However, I sure appreciated what she brought to me that particular day.  

2) Just be.  

That afternoon, this woman demonstrated a comfort with NOT talking.

Not really interested. 

TOTALLY ok.

Rude?  Some may think so.  I, on the other hand, eh...it was fine with me.

Go forward, be quiet in a few moments.  

Just. Be.

And perhaps, just be in your role.

The Texas Ginger
Bringing World Peace One Hug at a Time

Storms and Cocoons

*this particular post likens itself to a prior post, 'BUBBLES / 2011'
It's an important reminder  though, so forgive some repetition - thank you*

Went to a mani / pedi on over the weekend with my friend.

As we went for an early dinner / snack, the host sat us in a booth where we couldn't see outside.  However, walking in it, looked super ominous.

Dark clouds.

Windy.

Thunder.

The host even affirmed, "Yep, big storm comin'!"

We walked in, ordered and continued our conversation.  Oblivious to any weather event that was 'certain' to come through.

As we left, we could see that it had, indeed rained.  And this occurred to me...

How often to we sit in the cocoon of comfort while a storm rages around us? A storm that, in some cases, directly impacts those around us?  I'm reminded of two scenarios that, personally, bring this to light for me.

The first was 2006, when I experienced my first miscarriage.  I had been 5 months pregnant. His name was Jacob.  We had gone in for an ultrasound. And while I had had some misgivings that something was not right, I was still hopeful.  The ultrasound tech listens, and listens.  Then, very stoically excuses herself to get the doctor.  

Sigh...no heartbeat.  

I walked around for three days after that, awaiting the scheduled DNC. Apparently my body had not gotten the memo and was not 'miscarrying' Jacob.  

I walked into a coffee shop.  

The barista innocently asks, "How are you today?!"  

All I could think was, "Uhm...carrying around a deceased baby in my body. Like...I'm coexisting with death as we speak."

I'm sure I answered, "I'm alright.  How are you?"  And even as I ASKED HER, I wondered, 'What are YOU up against right now, besides the pressure to get my coffee order to my liking?'    

Fast forward three years, two more miscarriages.
It's 2009 and I delivered Jordan Brook Fox, via emergency C-section.
Full-term - yes?
Complications - you bet.
The moment they cut the cord and she starts to turn blue.  I am no expert, but that wasn't normal.  After investigating, it's discovered that the vein, that is SUPPOSED to connect to the RIGHT ventricle, had been 'wired' to the LEFT ventricle.  You may or may not know, the LEFT ventricle is supposed to be dormant while in utero.  When it is not, it becomes very tight, creating a tough muscle vs pliable.  She also had holes in her heart, causing the mixing of her blood.  They fixed the problem; she was never closed up and succumbed to infection.

For 5 1/2 weeks, we were traveling back and forth to Cook Children's in Fort Worth.  I often remember sitting at a light, or passing someone on the road. I'd look over and think, "Do you even know that I'm going to see my daughter, my baby girl who is fighting for her life?  So many tubes in and out of her, on ECMO* I'm heading the the hospital RIGHT NOW and will sit there most of the day.  I wonder what YOU'RE going to do..."

No judgment or resentment.
Simply an observation that we / I have no clue what ANY-ONE is going through.  That car next to me...may also have been going to the hospital. Or a party.  Or work.  Who knows??

It's now 2017, I have three amazing girls; two are 'half sisters' to Jacob, Baby November, Baby January, Jordan, Jaelyn and Baby September
(yes, one more miscarriage AFTER Jaelyn).  Jaelyn is the picture of health and gets to experience this side of heaven with all of us.  I have had several pregnancies.  I lost FIVE babies and get to raise three of them.

I've also gone through another divorce.

I was asked to leave my church, of ten years.

Faced a few bumps at work.

Struggle with how well I'm parenting my kids (one is especially challenging).

I've had to redefine a few relationships and set up boundaries
(and stick to them!!).  

My storms are no better / worse than the next person.

Equally...

I get to work as an administrative assistant.
I get to WRITE!
I partner through life with an amazing man.
I have a home (albeit smaller than my olders would like, as they share a room...GASP!!)

I am making new friends; the friends 'still standing' are genuine friends.

I have a God that has NOT given up on me (unlike a few 'Christians')

I have three beautiful AND smart girls 

May I encourage you today - please, please, please...

PAUSE.  

LOOK into the eyes of those that you get (yes, you GET to) to encounter today.
Consider that they may be facing their own storm.  

And maybe they're not.  

Maybe this is a season of sweet calm and serenity.  

Regardless, as we all have heard, we're either in a storm,
                    about to face one or
                                     we're coming out of one.

Maybe you're in a cocoon.  And THAT'S ok.  A cocoon is a place to rest; renew, and return more beautiful.  It's said you shouldn't pry open a cocoon.  That the object inside needs to wiggle out and experience the struggle. 

I don't know about you, but I've wiggled out of a few cocoons.  I'd like to think I'm more confident, more compassionate, more empathetic and more understanding because of it. I'm certainly stronger.  While no one 'pried' me out of those cocoon seasons, I sure had some loving people, having patiently waited, waiting for me as I unfurled my wings.

For those (and you know who you are) I'm grateful and still standing today BECAUSE of you. 

The Texas Ginger

Bringing World Peace, One Hug at a Time

*ECMO is the 'iron' heart & lung, as support during a surgery, yet Jordan was on it for 10 days.  I called it 'Tickle me ECMO'.  Sigh...there was nothing ticklish about it. 

Budding Blogger

I walked into an art gallery today.  

A lovely woman approaches, tells me about the concept of the gallery.  A collective group of artists, each displaying their work...rather, their love. Their hearts.  Because truth be told, if you're putting your art 'out there' then there is a passion behind it.  A...love. And it cannot be called 'work', yes?  I digress though...

Then...the dreaded question, "What do you do?"

Oh boy...

"I'm a writer.  Well...I'm trying to be.  A blogger.  I'm sort of...I'm trying it all out.  I love to write and people seem to like what I write."

"OH!  You're a budding blogger!  Let me take your picture and send it to the gal here and she can put you on our page..."

I was speechless.

Touched.

Humbled.

In awe.

Another nudge.  

I JUST made a choice, in that moment, to 'put out there' what I'm desiring for my life and this sweet soul simply wanted to help.

Will THIS be my 'big break'?  Who knows.  What I DO know is that I took a chance.  An awkward, uncomfortable chance at identifying with what I WANT to be / do.  

I writer.  And one that can / WILL inspire and encourage others.

It felt a little awkward.  Uncomfortable.  Like...what if she sees that I'm a fraud?  LOL

I am overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with the number of 'signs', nudges, encouragements.

Seriously, overwhelmed.

I'm resourceful

I'm creative

I'm capable

I'm deserving

I'm determined

I'm scared

I'm nervous

I'm an overcomer

I'm a great writer

A few days ago, I read in my devotional on July 4th.  It spoke about 'not giving up on dreams'.  I embarked on a very new, scary venture 27 years ago on July 2nd (the Air Force). And the nudge on that day, to embark on something really scary, on the anniversary of my Air Force journey...coincident?  I think not.

i'm choosing to embrace my dreams.

they're God given.

who else would say, "food truck * blogger * speaker" ??

i've no idea how to begin the journey.

and every journey starts with (A) step.

One. Step.

I'm completely overwhelmed (have I mentioned that yet?  overwhelmed?)  with the number of 'signs', nudges, encouragements...to include, but not short of: 

- My daughter
("That would be totally cool...my mom is following her dreams!")

- Recent readings
(Self Coaching 101, The Work, even a fictional book 'State of Wonder')

- Podcasts
(to include Gary Vee, The Minimalmist, Lewis Howes)

so...eyes tight.  

deep cleansing breath.

here...

i...

GGGGGggoooooo......

(stay tuned...I reckon I'll be posting more, since...you know...I'm a writer)

The Texas Ginger
Bringing World Peace, One Hug at a Time