What's Right?

disclaimer: I am terrible with grammar.  I do not profess to be a 'writer' of sorts.  I write like I talk.  I suppose, those that read and know me well, can probably 'hear' me saying what I write.  If you don't know me that well, or have never had a conversation with me, please overlook the typos.  Thank you :-)

I sat down this morning to greet my day.  Some call it a 'quiet time (QT).' I actually just reintroduced my quiet time, as having Jaelyn (per my last post) threw me off my game.  Now that she's caught onto the whole sleep thing, I'm rolling out of bed before the chaos of our daily life ensues.  There's just something about the quiet of that time of day.  

Let me digress a moment.  

I feel so led to share about quiet times. 

In the church-y circles in which I hang, it is encouraged that we, as Christians, 'have a QT' on a daily basis.  You'll hear things like,  

"My QT was really rich!" 
or 
"They've been so dry lately, I feel like I'm not connecting." 
or 
"(sigh) I really should DO a QT, but I just don't know how / what to do." 

And it can become a racket!  It can become the litman's test of where you rank 'as a Christian' among fellow Christians.  (tsk, tsk...'She's not having a QT? Hhhmmm...<eyebrow raised>)  You follow me?  

THAT SAID...I was on a roll a few years ago.  I started the Jesus study by Beth Moore (90 day study) and that really launched a consistent, daily, greet-the-day-with-God routine.  Some days / weeks were rich and great. Some...eh...pretty mediocre, but nonetheless, it was the practice and the quiet that was important.  It is actually what got me through our Jordan Journey in 2009.  Fast forward, baby, sleepless nights...etc.

could. 
not. 
get. 
it. 
together!  

SO...I asked (in prayer), "HOW do you want me to do this, Lord?"

***we interrupt this post for a 

non-emergency announcement***

When using terms like 

"I was told..."
"Felt led..."

in reference to God / Abba / The Lord 'speaking' to me, it is

not to imply that a text was sent from above or that I heard

an actual, audible voice.  Again, in our church-y type circles,

it's a figure of speech.  Christianese, if you will...heehee  

***this non-emergency announcement 

is now over - thank you***

And he told me.

     You have the Jesus Calling Devotion.

     It has passages at the end of each one.

     You have three questions that Pantego provided months ago.

Hhmmm...ok, got it.

Read the JC devo, look up the passages, answer the questions.  I can do that.

Set my alarm for 5a.

It went off.

I hit snooze until 7a, like any decent human being would do.  

And the Christian Guilt set in, feeling like a failure.  (sigh)

Let's try this again...

2:00...AM...as in, IN the morning, my oldest comes in, having had an awful dream.  I went to lay down with her for a few minutes, then walked back to my room.  I stood at my bedroom door, but I sensed that 'nudge' to go and do my QT.  Here's the conversation in my head:

"(sigh) It's 2 o'clock...IN THE MORNING!!!" 

"I'm aware of the time, Kim.  I created it."

"You can't possibly be serious!  Can't you see how tired I am?"

(as I make my eyes drowsy...like a child...see, see...I'm so sleepy)

"Yes, but you told me you wanted to do this.  If you take time now, you can sleep a little more later."

"But...I'm so tired.  Besides, what are we going to talk about?"  

And I crawled into bed...for about 5 seconds.

"You'll never know unless you obey this nudge."

Out to the chair I go, stomping like the proverbial 40-something child, maybe even pouting a little bit; just a little.

And wouldn't ya know it?  FanTabULous time with my Abba.  

I was led to pray for some friends serving in a remote area.  

I prayed for some friends that are in marriage crisis.

I prayed over my family and God brought to mind people I don't know that well, so I prayed for them too.

He even made a joke when I wrote in my journal, 

"2AM?  Really?  I was thinking more like 5AM"  

And he said, "I AM the great I AM!"  

Get it?!  HA!!!  Love. It!

But this was the kicker.  This was 'my sign' - if you will.  At church that morning, I open my bulletin and inside was...

The card with the three questions.

The card that has not been IN the bulletins for several weeks.

Talk about complete and total affirmation.

Lovely.  

Nice.  

Thank you, Kim for that tirade about QT's and rubbing in how spiritual you are touting to be...la-dee-dah (sigh).

What about this post title, 'What's Right?'

Get to the point!!

If I had not started a week ago, I would have missed the richness of this morning's quiet time.  I'll fess up, since my 'ah-ha' moment two weeks ago, my quiet times have been 'eh.'  This morning though, the following nugget was impressed upon my heart.

How often do you ask, throughout the day, "What's wrong?"  

I do.  

I see a cross look on someone's face and I ask, "What's wrong?"  

Someone sighs heavily, "What's wrong?"  

One of my girls rolls their eyes...oh wait, that's normal...ha!!! 

What if we all started asking...wait for it...

What's Right?

How would that transform a day?  Your thoughts?  THEIR thoughts?

What's Right?

I'll tell you what's right in my world:

My health.

My freckles.

My red hair (all three compliments of da Lord who made me!)

A husband that loves me enough to buy me perfume 'just because' (or maybe I just stink...)

Bright, terrific daughters that are responsible and helpful.

My mom who has been a supportive, helpful & loving since the first time she laid eyes on me.

Coffee.  

Friends.

Facebook, that allows me to connect with friends near and far.

Quiet times. (amen, right?!)

Pampered Chef.

Cell phones.

My sweet Rottie's!

I could go on and on, but I already have.  

As you go forward, I encourage you to begin asking, 

What's right?

Humbled, Buoyed and Blessed,
Mama Fox

WHAT are the three questions, Kimberly?!!?!?!  

Ok, ok...I'll tell you:

1)  How has God made Himself known to you today?

2)  How is God changing you today?

3)  What is God calling you to do today?

can be found on www.pantego.org / I take no credit for these

Knocked Up at 41...what the?!?!?!

Excuse me while I dust off my keyboard...it has been a L-O-N-G time, yes??  So much for my 'regular' postings.  If I've learned one thing, tell everyone what I'm going to do and I'm guaranteed to fail...miserably.  (sigh)  That said, there have been some prett-ee big changes in my life since we last met / read / 'spoke.'

Let's begin with getting knocked up at 41.  Ok...ok...'knocked up' seems flippant.  It felt that way though.  Like that sheepish teenage; embarrassed and feeling...for lack of better words, stupid.  Caught.  A life sentence.  I'll be honest, I was the eye-roller, standing in the corner every time I'd hear a woman say, "He/She was our little 'surprise." or "It was completely unexpected."  Arms crossed, exercising my spiritual gift of judging other, "Doesn't she KNOW how...I mean, really...I mean..."

Oh.

Tee-hee.  

Oops.

Meet Jaelyn.  March 15, 2013.

Let's rewind...

July 2012, brushing my teeth.  HHmmm...something is missing. What day is it?  When was my last...D-OH!!!!  Did the pee-stick, went to the doctor THAT DAY for the blood test.  Yep.  Positive.  Kept my mouth shut all weekend.  

Sunday morning, my husband, "We need to decide if we are going to try again or if we're done."  

I kept from laughing outloud.

Yes, indeed...we really should talk about whether we should try to get pregnant...oh wait.  I already am!  Said me, in my head. 

I smiled and agreed.  Like any good wife would do.  "Yes, we really should pray about that."  AAAAaaaahhhhh....!!!!

So, Monday, I wrote on a piece of paper a projected date of our baby-to-be and slipped it in with the rest of the mail.  The baby, that, quite frankly, I was a little ticked off about having taken residence in ma belly!!!  I was JUST losing the OTHER baby fat...sigh.

My Joel is looking through the mail.  The girls between us, mixing muffins.  I'm just watching, like a stalker.  He sees it.

"March 2013?" he says.  (apparently I'm only allowed to have babies in March)

I just stare at him.  Actually, it may have been a glare...my memory is foggy.

"March...are you pregnant?!"  Yes, it was definitely a glare.

I. Just. Nod.

Those big blue eyes I fell in love with - wide.  Jaw - dropped.

The girls SQUEAL!!!

Me, not so much.  I happen to have a very clear idea of what's ahead.  That I better come up with a 'How to Bottle Sleep' app, in the next nine months. Visualizing the diapers, the baby food, nursing...you get my drift.

Might I also add the added dread of what may or may not happen. Those of you just tuning in, we have a history of loss.  I lost our son, Jacob, five months into that pregnancy.  I had two miscarriages after that (one at 12 weeks, one at 8).  I carried Jordan to full-term; discovered the heart defect the moment her umbilical cord was cut.  5 1/2 weeks later, having never come home, I kissed her sweet forehead as she passed from her daddy's arms here to her Daddy in heaven.

I was terrified of what was to come.

Terrified.

But, like all mommy's, I put on the brave face and grew that baby.

A few weeks from her delivery, we sat around the kitchen table.  I had us all write out our fears.  They ranged from down syndrome, to loving the baby more than Sydney and Madelaine, to another complete loss.  We talked.  Cried.  Prayed.

Then lit 'em on fire in the BBQ.  Left it all at the alter, so to speak.

And on March 15, 2013, after a few hours of labor; mournfully deciding to go through with a C-section, and 35 attempts in my back for the spinal (not. kidding.) Jaelyn Bryant Fox made our family of four a family of five.

She was perfect.

Big blue eyes.

Beautiful red hair.

Healthy.

Pretty sure I breathed for the first time in nine months.

The months that followed, I still wrestled with the lot cast on my life.  I decided to stay home with Jaelyn, as I had with my older two.  Here I was, in the throws of diapers, nursing-on-demand and going on little sleep.  No longer 'in demand' at a job or a feeling of importance (how would they go on without me!?).  Home bound to tend to this baby girl.  I knew I was 'supposed' to be so grateful for her, given our detour in 2009.  Quite the contrary, I was feeling selfish and shallow.  I often had friends say, "I'm SO GLAD I'm not you!!!  I can't imagine having a baby!!!"  YOU can't?!  

At about six months, I got it...I fell head over heels in love with her.  I get teary eyed as I think about the tremendous second (third? fourth?) chance I have been given.  I can be slow on the uptake.  

And today - 17 months in - I am thrilled to be the mom of three earth bound girls.  I'm in my element, chasing around a soon-to-be toddler.  I go from advising my 12y on the finer elements of how to navigate through life to 'NO BITING!  NO HITTING' (wait, or is it the other way around....ha!!)

It is a bit daunting to know that I'll be bidding farewell in six short years to my oldest.  I would swear that I watch her mature and grow right before my eyes, like time-elapsed film.  I see my middlest doing her best to figure out where she fits in - exercising her fabulous strong will and personality.  And then I look over my shoulder and am reminded at how quickly it all passes.  I've always hated that cliche, "They grow up before ya know it!"  But as much as I hate it, it's absolutely true.  Just yesterday I was chasing Sydney and Madelaine around, now THEY'RE chasing a smaller version of themselves around!  How did this happen?!

Oh...wait...never mind.  

I know.

(insert eye rolling)

Humbled, buoyed and blessed -
Mama Fox

Who. Am. I?

His feet were unstable.  Her heart was unstable.

He wore his helmet.  She wore her head covering.

His mouth hung open.  Hers was in a hard, concerned line.

(sigh) I sat behind a handicap bus recently, watching all of this unfold.  Of course, I was in an uber hurry, disgusted that I had to wait a mere ten minutes (probably less, but felt like an eternity) for this to all unfold. (enter emoticon – eyes rolling)

Then I paused.

I got up that morning, and heard the sound of my daughter’s alarm clock.  Within a half an hour both of my healthy, full-functioning girls were in the kitchen, packing their lunches, their backpacks, getting their breakfast ready.  1-2-3…like clockwork.

My heart ached inside, literally, as I imagined what this mother’s morning may have been like…of course, I speculate as I write the following, so bear with me.  Obviously, I wasn’t there.

Up much earlier than her son, having to go in and wake him up.  How was that?  Is he easy to get out of bed?  Is he potty-trained?  Does he know he’s about to go to school, out of the protective wing of his mother? 

Getting dressed – was he able to do this all by himself?  Does she struggle to dress this young man, triple the size of a toddler, but probably having the mentality of one.

Breakfast – she probably had to feed him.  Does he eat easily?  Does he throw his food?  Is he even capable of eating by way of his mouth?

If you could have seen her face…the concern, the dread, her self-doubt, “Am I doing the right thing?”  I have no way of knowing if this was his very first time on the bus, first time to go school.  By the look on her face, I’d venture to say ‘yes.’ 

I’m brought back to earth with thoughts, again, of my own, smooth morning.  No longer miffed at the delay of waiting; rather I was given precious time to pray – over this woman that, other than being dressed differently and perhaps facing more daily challenges than I do, we are no less different - often concerned - am I doing the right thing?  Did I show enough love?  Are they going to be ok? 

I was so moved by God’s intervention that morning; I had no choice but to push pause on my own life and take an inventory.  We all face our own doubts, struggles, ups and downs as mom’s, don’t we?  Those that have forged ahead <having grown children> give us hope.  Those of us in the throws of it all, we lock arms and nod, “YES!!  I UNDERSTAND!!”   

Most of you know that I’m a self-proclaimed ‘Hugger.’ I wanted to embrace her and offer a word of encouragement (sigh), but I get enough, “Are you crazy?” looks throughout any given day. She was already preoccupied enough without a complete stranger leaping from her car, running towards her.

I’m struck with two things from this divine pause.  One – while she and I looked very different (she clearly practiced a different form of faith than I do), we weren’t really all that different.  We are both mom’s, we both love our children, we both want what is best for them.  Second – interruptions.  Her entire life was interrupted when she was given her son, mine was hiccuped for but a few minutes.  Who. Am. I? 

I leave you with this – the next time you see another mom look differently than you (does she OWN a mirror?  Where is the rest of her skirt?  I’ve got two of my own, why do I need to look at hers?  you KNOW what I'm talkin' about!) Or maybe your day is interrupted by someone else (the nerve, don't they know I have a schedule...a job...a LIFE!), I’ll just bet you’re not all that different from her.  Deep down, she loves her child (ok…she’s using gritted teeth…but who hasn’t?).  Take pause and reflect on your own list of blessings and in that same moment offer some spiritual hugs.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT have any of this mastered by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m sure glad God flicks my brain on occasion, tugs my heart and gently reminds me that I am no better / worse than that mom next to me.

Humbled, buoyed and blessed –

MAMA FOX

Marvel in the Moment

“Let’s go to the park buddy.” She said to her son as she picked him up from preschool that day.

SWOOSH.  I was whisked back a few years, to the days where the park and snack bags were common place.  I am actually misty-eyed as to the simplicity that has escaped our lives.  (sigh) 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to ‘miss the back days’ (as my youngest calls them), but there is a place in our lives to reflect on what ‘was’.  It’s a little surreal to see how life evolves, moving ever so quickly forward.  Mind boggling.

Then I watched a teeny little toddler running around…were mine really ever that small?  Gone are the days of sippy cups (and believe you me, I do not miss 'em!).  My oldest is almost as tall as me, my youngest can drive me from happy to frustration in 0 - 60! (can I get an ‘AMEN’?)

So where is the inspiration here?  I dare not cliché this with ‘enjoy those years now…’ or the ever popular, ‘it goes so fast!’  While we should and it does, my encouragement is to simply be in the moments – regardless of age or height (yours or your kids, if you have 'em!) 

Regardless if you have smaller people that you’re screwing up…I mean, training for the ‘real world’.  I have missed moments to marvel – while I certainly do marvel at my girls, do I pause long enough to marvel at my Abba?

Does Abba marvel at me? (perhaps…on some of my better days)

Do I send Abba from 0 – 60 flat with utter frustration?  (without a doubt)

Let’s take time – marvel in the moment(s)

Be present in the present.

That’s all really. 

Humbled, Buoyed and Blessed

MamaFox

Hot Yoga

If you know me, you know that I love me so hot-ness; I relish our 100 degree summer days and I can even tolerate a sauna on occasion.  Both of those require the energy of a gnat; sitting.  Doing little, but read.

Enter this concept – Hot Yoga.  WHO thought of this?!  SOMEONE (or several someone’s) sat around and apparently thought the traditional 60 minutes in a coolish room while bending our bodies in crazy poses just was too…weird?  “I KNOW, I KNOW” one said, “let’s crank up the temperature, to, say, 100 degrees and THEN bend ‘em in those crazy positions.”  And so they did. 

W-H-A-T?!  (sigh)  Anyway…so I did it, Hot Yoga – check.

Have you ever sweated from your HANDS?!  Or…uhm…toes?!  Anyway, there is a whole lot o’ sweatin’ goin’ on, and it was totally worth it.  Even after waves of nausea and near fainting, it was worth it. 

SO…WHY am I telling you this?  I want to encourage you to try something new.  I am not a yoga fan (could’ve used a fan today…but, I digress), but Hot Yoga was my ‘something new’ and I am really glad that I did.  What will YOUR something new be?  Would you shoot me a wall post on FaceBook and tell me what ‘something new’ you did (or did recently)? 

Before I close, I want to thank my friend (you know who you are) that urged me to get back on my BLOG.  Her words, “Uhm…by the way, missie, I follow your blog and you haven’t written in some time.” (eyebrow raised for emphasis -HA!). 

Just as Hot Yoga energized me, so did writing this tonight.  Albeit, not all that 'enlightening', I hope it brought a smile to your face. 

I look forward to your wall post.

I will, also, make a committment to post more often. 

Humbled, Buoyed and Blessed,

Mama Fox

Are You A Teacher?

I hesitated.  I was surrounded by school books and papers, getting ready to check over the day's work that my girls had accomplished.  They attend a school where parent involvement is encouraged.  My Joel and I are passing the 4th AND 2nd grade with flying colors, I'll have you know.  HA!!  But...I digress.

Said scene would certainly prompt that question, 'Are you a teacher?'  I hesitated.  Well, technically, no - I have been humbled to the position of 'aide' where I had been a 'teacher' (life-coach, as I like to call it) and I wasn't employed with a school district.  B-U-T...I AM a teacher - to my two great daughters!  I get to teach them a whole bunch of stuff that the books in front of me lack.

- How to be honest
     (and how to talk yourself out of...JUST KIDDING!!!)
- How to 'use your words' and communicate clearly
- How to gently confront, even when it's a bit uncomfortable
- How to HUG (I have a degree ya know!)
- The art of a HANDwritten thank you note
- The art of giving back and being generous

The list goes on and on.  And I don't list the above as some angle to boast.  Absolutely not.  I write as an effort to heighten awareness that we are A-L-L teachers.  I'm not just talking about homeschool mom's, public school teachers, private school, etc.  You must realize that we teach everywhere we go and people are watching our every move.  Again, not because I'm all that and a bag of chips.  Again, awareness. 

Let me share a few 'sightings' -
- The mom I overhear getting stern and frustrated.  (Oh how I've been there).  Yet she teaches me how ugly that looks and sounds; of course my heart just aches for that child.
- My dear friend that can laugh at just about everything her kids do!  I have GLEAMED volumes from this woman.
- Another friend that has a real knack for turning my eyes back on God in any given situation.  Be it by prayer or by reading God's word.

Again, the list is long.  But none of the above did I read in a book!  I learned from WATCHING and LISTENING!

My challenge to you today - TEACH without saying a word.  And hug just a little bit more...everyone needs a hug.

And yes, I am a teacher.  I get to be the best possible teacher to my two beautiful, bright girls.  It's not all good material because I sure do have my days; but I'm doing the best I can.

Humbled, buoyed and blessed -
MamaFox

Forget? I Think Not

He did it again.

He does remember.

He loves me enough to let me know.

I went to a concert a few weeks ago.  Something you should know is that I'm afraid of Jordan's memory being forgotten.  Now, I know that within the confines of our family, she will forever be in our hearts.  However, I have the need to know that she continues to impact the lives of others.  Every few months, I get a touch panic-y that she's fading.  And then...He comes through.

Back to the concert.  I will not name drop, but we attended the concert of a friend of mine.  She has some notoriety in the community and our kids go to school together.  Apparently, when I was sharing about The W.A.R.M. Place (see post 'Click' / September 2010), something resonated with her and a song bubbled up to the surface (In Her Shoes - how appropriate, given my addiction to shoes!!)  She referenced this conversation, mentioned our sweet baby girl and our loss...I was touched!  She remembered and Jordan was not forgotten!!!

Not five minutes before that, my Sweet T was telling me about how she had shared our story that week, with a new friend at her school.  Her new friend was touched to tears.  This just warmed my heart!  Not that I enjoy 'making' someone cry, but to know that she was crying for our girl! 

What's the point of this?  Why do I bother to allude to knowing famous people and that my friend shared our Jordan with her new friend?  Because, I want you to know that God is THAT personal.  THAT loving.  THAT interested in the matters of the heart. 

Secondary to this, it was a reminder that our actions are observed and our words are heard even when we don't think that they are 'doing' anything.  I shared with no expectation.  I recently heard a quote, every exchange we have with someone, we are making an impact.  YIKES!!

Thank you, my famous friend and thank you, my Sweet T.  Thank you to everyone one of you that remembers our Jordan, that share her story or just ponder her precious 5 1/2 weeks.  For your tears...those are most precious. 

Humbled, buoyed and blessed

Eyes On Him

Mama Fox